End Of My Tether??

So what has happened since I last posted like last month. Nothing new. As ever Zack has been acting so bi polar with me I just don’t know what to make of it anymore. So I went to his house and was in his room and I found an opened condom wrapper in this bag. He’d obviously slept with someone else…which he said he wasn’t gonna. I mean yeah at least he used a condom but thats not the point the point is she slept with someone and the lied to me saying he couldn’t remember when it was probably like 2 weeks (if that) before we slept together the start of May. So I found it it was one of his exes…probably the ex that he was talking to…or he lied about not really talking to his exes other than me. More lies!

Anyways I saw him last week Monday and yes we had (the best sex we’ve ever had…but not the point) and we were cuddling after and stuff and I asked him how long this sex thing was gonna go on for and he said probably until I decide to see someone else. So 1. We’re seeing each other but less than a month ago you were fucking another girl. Right? 2. Doesn’t he get that I can’t allow myself to move on. I don’t want new pain. At least the pain he causes me is familiar and expected so it doesn’t phase me like a new person would. He’s wounded so much the pain seems to just be part of our relationship…whatever that might be. 3. I don’t really wanna admit but I’m kinda waiting around for him to see how great I am.  Which is dumb cos I’ve been around for this long and if he can’t see it then why should I try and convince him??

So anyways back to last Monday. We were cuddling and I was asking him questions tryna see where it was I stood with him and he was saying how he wasn’t gonna get into a new relationship cos he was too busy. And half the stuff he said seemed pretty genuine. Then his phone rang and it was this girl that I know he’s been texting for a while. I hate him! I admit that of course I’m jealous, I still see him as my property though he as proved that he is defo not. And he’s always texting her, he’s always on WhatsApp and I can hardly get a reply a day. Kmt. What is the point. Lately he’s been on POF and another social networking site. And yet he never seems to have the time to reply to me but he can reply to random sluts. Cool.

I’m being a bit of a hypocrite cos I am talking to other boys and like two weeks I went out with some friends I kissed this guy and we swapped numbers. We haven’t spoken in a week though and I’m not gonna text him first again. Nope. Then I had a party and invited Zack and he brought  friend along (can’t remember his name) anyways Zack was acting so weird I couldn’t be bother with him so I guess I started flirting with Ray. (For those who have read this blog from the start you may remember Ray, I was basically in love with him) anyways after the party ended Ray and I ended up in bed together just like old times. We kissed cuddled and shit and played with each other…;). And i kinda felt bad but why should I’m single right? Anyways we were gonna have sex but I heard my mum and brother so rolled off of him and we just went to sleep. Then two days later I has my legs wide open for Zack…urgh!!!!

Anyways why am I at the end of my tether?? I’ve told Zack that he’s annoying me and he hasn’t replied yet he’s watched my snapchat…the mobile device does ONE THING!! why can’t he reply! GOSH It’s obviously not that important…whatever. Im meant to be seeing him tomorrow who knows if that’s gonna happen. Anyways sorry about the long post it doesn’t even make much sense.

I’m gonna start blogging about more serious stuff like what’s been going on in the news and stuff. My life doesn’t revolve around boys…though would never have guessed from all the posts. I hope you guys like the new stuff I have to write about cos even I’m getting bored of Zack can only imagine how you guys feel!!!

I Just Want To Get Back Out There

So I’ve been reading some post from a blogger called Seriously Single In Sydney and Im so jealous of their dating life! I just wanna get back out there and date and be treated all cute and stuff. The worst thing is the last “date” I went on with this Zach and it was super cute. We went to a dessert parlour which he paid for…its pretty cheap but it was a nice guested (though I did have a bitch about how I spend money to go and see him and stuff.) But anyways I got a waffle and he got apple pie and we shared a milkshake. He’s so confused the milkshake came with one straw and he looked like he was have kittens…he was like “we need another straw” I just laughed and said “I’ve had worse in my mouth than your saliva.” Silly boy…I’ve had his penis in my mouth !!

But it was cute and then we left and went back to his and got into bed…yes we had sex. It wasn’t as passionate as the time before but this time I decided to kiss him and he kissed me back! I was so worried that he was gonna pull away or something. But nope. I guess always it was very passionate cos I was on top most of the time, which was new! After 1 year and 4 months of sexing I was on top for more than 5 minutes!

So after I tried to play it cool but he just stayed on top of me for a while then rolled over and made me cuddle him. WHY DOES HE KEEP DOING THAT. Then we started talking just about stuff and about having kids and marriage. And I remember he was so against getting married when we started seeing each other and then he said that one day he would want to! Who is the bitch that changed his mind. Then I said I wouldn’t want to have his babies and he was like “why do you keep hurting my feelings” and I was like “do you want me to have your kids?” and he gave me this weird look and said “I don’t deserve for you to have my children” and then went back to normal and said “and I’m not ready for kids anyway.” SO MUCH MIND FUCK!!!

It’s those kind of things that make me wanna stick around and see what happens between us, cos sometimes I really do think that we might get back together but then I think really. I just wish I had met him after uni…I think it would have worked out.

The End??

So Zack came to see me on Saturday…he took a day of work to come and see and then surprised me by saying he wasn’t coming when he actually did. It was so great we made meatballs together, baked a cake. Did loads of cut couple things. We had some really great sex, he used one of my vibrators on me which was kinky hehe.

But then I ruined it by crying and looking through his phone. Basically I compared to him one of our flat mates ( a guy) and he was like don’t make me compare you to Tia (the guys girlfriend) cos you’re not gonna like what I say. And I should have known he was joking but I took it to heart cos she’s so pretty and had a nice figure and a really perky bum and then there’s me so I went to my room and sulked and I ended up crying. We ended up resolving the issue but it was still a bit awkward I guess. Then when he was in the shower getting ready to leave I went onto his phone and was just being nosy not really expecting anything and I saw some texts and he was calling this girl Sexy and shit. He said it was his cousin but yeah right…they did have the same surname though but his surname is quite popular.

So I confronted him at the train station and I ended up crying again and then after an abusive text from me he called me and said he thinks it’s best we ended it cos he just can’t take some aspects of our relationship and that he was too young and shit like that. Then he said he’d call me back the next day to properly talk about it and we did and basically he just said he doesn’t wanna hurt me and stuff cos he can see it not being a long term thing and that he doesn’t wanna try now and then 3/4 years down the line see the same thing happening and then try and break up with me then and hurt me even more.

I guess I prefer to end it early on but I wanna be with him and he claims to want to be with me he’s just too immature right now to work on working things out like you do in a real relationship…good luck to the next girl…she better be just like him…icy cold.

He said he wants to still be friends and work on himself and maybe in the future we could try again but like I don’t see us getting back together that rarely happens…people go their separate ways and that’s it no second chances. I would love to have made it work but I guess what they say is true…girls do mature faster than boys. I sent him text (it was quite long) saying we can try and be friends and see what happens…I have no plans in going to meet with him or any of that…I still love him and I need time to get over him and I think I can do that with just texting him and maybe talking to him on the phone. I value(d) his presence in my life and he’s one of the few people who cared about me properly. Unlike my flat mates who (bar one) don’t give a fuck about me or my problems…not one of them (expect Tia) has come to see how I am and so they can all go screw themselves…I’m gonna just be friendly and that’s it…I’m not gonna get involved in their problems and I will rarely speak to them…I’m spend so much time in my room doing my work…I will get that first…and proof all these fuckers wrong 😀

So I am officially single…I guess a part of me hopes he sees the error in his ways and begs for me back but right now I think I’m content with being friends

I Feel Sick

So I’m doing my essay for uni and I set myself a target that if I get to 500 words I’ll call Zack and went past it so I called him, and to this day I get nervous calling him cos I’m always scared he’s gonna be busy and shit. But he picked up and like he took a while to pick it up but he did and I was like “woop” so anyways he answers the phone in a really strange way like I’m one of his boys and I said “I’m not one of your mandem” then he laughs and is like “ahh I’ll call you back” and then I hear this female voice saying “why do you have to call her back for” and she sounded so pretty and shit. But like why is being all secretive for, why can’t he talk to me with her being there?? This doesn’t help the fact that when I was with him I guessed his phone password and he basically fought with me to get his phone back. Like what does he have to hide…this is just playing with my trust…I don’t even know what to think or. He has work tomorrow yet he can entertain guests. He puts everything/one before me and I’m starting to look like an idiot and it’s just not worth the stress.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m So Confused

So this post shall be in several parts…though it may all just end up looking the same cos I don’t really have a particular writing style, so I don’t know how planning is going to go.

Uni

I hate it. I don’t hate the course or anything to be honest that is the only thing that is keeping me sane. I just hate the place I live and the people aren’t all being great. I live with three other girls and a couple across the hall. Four girls in one flat is just too much for me. Especially since they’re all so different from what I grew up experiencing. I don’t mean to sound racist or ignorant but I grew up around a lot of black people, and the white people I grew up around were a lot more streetwise than these girls and lot more culturally diverse. These girls question and mock everything that isn’t familiar to them and that really annoys me cos like I just shows a lack of education and I believe it’s down to their parents and the area they grew up in. So cooking my cultural food is so long cos I always get complaints and stuff and I just don’t have time so I just cook standard pasta and chicken sometimes. Makes my life a lot easier. But these girls…mainly two of them are SO bitchy!!!! It’s sad to watch. Like last year they used to bitch about this one girl to high heaven and then call me a bumlick cos I wanted to make sure she was ok and didn’t feel isolated and shit. I mean yeah she was weird and a bit annoying but no one is perfect! And like I’m from a big city and this town is AWFUL so I’d rather not spend my nights going to the same bar listening to the same music…so I don’t go yet I get called boring…isn’t repetition boring…idiots. And the thing that rattled my feathers today was the fact that we’re doing secret santa and it seemed odd that one of the girls messaged in the girl only group chat…and then I realised why, she didn’t wanna let one of the boys know we were doing secret santa. And they she tried to cover it up by joking. They always left him out of stuff last year and they’re doing it again. He was the reason why I didn’t go mad last year…we were quite similar and now he’s a few floors away and I never see him.

Boyfriend

So I went to see Zack this weekend it was all good up until the end. We had a few arguments but we sorted them I guess and we started looking for tickets for my birthday present. I found out that he doesn’t do ANYTHING…no Christmas, no birthdays, no valentines day (he said he’d get me a card) but what is wrong with him! When I’m back at uni I find it hard, long distance is just not for everyone at all. Like when I’m with him it’s amazing, the cuddles and the kisses, the sex 😉 but when I’m not away we don’t even text regularly so it’s like communication is cut off and it’s hard! I need to talk to him often or what is the point?! *sigh* I love this kid so much and it’s just hard. Though he said some really cute stuff that just melted my heart. Like we were lying down cuddling and I said “love you” and I wasn’t expecting a reply back cos he’s not really that kinda guy but he was like “I love you too” it’s only taken like 10 months (which is actually a good time I guess). We were talking and he kept talking to me like I was one his friends and I told him I wasn’t one of his mandem and he was like “yes you are, you’re my best friend” and then he did it again and I told him to stop (in a jokey way) and he was like “how do you want me to speak to you, you’re not some disney princess” and I was like “yes I am” and then he said “you’re my princess” Ahh, see this is the stuff that keeps me going. If he didn’t have this side at all I’d think he hated me.

This is a pretty long post sorry I just needed to sort my emotions out I guess.

At A Cross Road

So as you may or may not know…my delightful boyfriend didn’t turn up to come and see me nor did he make any attempt to come down the next day but instead made a half hearted promise to come and see me in two weeks. I’m going home and so suggested that I could go and see him (me putting in all the effort) and he gave me a really pissy reply so I shortened my stay with him in response to his reply.

The next day (Monday) I wake up and I’m no longer upset but I’m so angry. Why am I the one always making the effort?!? And he said to me that if the trains fucked up again then he wouldn’t come and see me…yet he wasn’t complaining every time I went to see him in my first year yet I want him to come down and he makes up such a fuss. So I sent him a message telling him how I felt and all I get back was ‘kl’ !!! IS HE OK?!?! So I called him a dick and he didn’t reply. So I spent the entire day in bed brooding and playing sims while my lovely flatmates (bar one) spent the day ignoring me as usual. I’m so fed up of the double standards whenever anyone else is sad everyone runs to their rescue when it’s me…pft I’ll be fine..well they can all fuck off then.

So I tried to call Zack at like 1:30am (again me making the effort) and no reply. I wake up to no attempt to get hold of me whats so ever. So I (again making all the effort) send him a message saying we need to talk…it hasn’t delivered to his phone yet so now I guess it’s up to him right??

I hate this so much…I love this boy and yet I feel like it’s gonna end so cos this long distance is just driving a wedge between us 😦 sad really.

Sleeping Alone

I’ve been counting down when I was gonna see Zack for so long and now the day has come I’m so deflated and upset, I just can’t be bothered. I just wanted to see my boyfriend I was so excited like I had so much planned and now it’s all fucked up. I’m so full of emotion I just don’t know what to do. I’m all restless.

For once I’m not to blame even a little bit. He told me his friends were at his till like 3 and he didn’t go to sleep till like 6 and he has to wake up at 7 to go to work. Then he text me in the morning telling me about some delays on the line he was meant to be going on and so was looking for a different route. So when he finished work he had a nap by accident and missed the train he had planned to get by like a second. So instead of just listening to me and staying put he went to London Victoria and go a different train but he fell asleep and missed his stop and so missed the bus that he needed to get and by the time he got to the station the only bus that was there was going to Brighton and the last bus train left in an hour so there was no way he was going to make it. So I just told him to go home…dunno how he’s gonna get there.

I just looked on the train times and he could have gone to Brighton and got a train from there…I’m so upset and now he’s saying I won’t see him till the 7th probably…I can’t do this…that 6 weeks!!! IM SO FUCKING ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this even worth the stress anymore?