Why Do I Keep Putting Myself Through This Shit?

Why do I keep doing this to myself. I know he doesn’t give a fuck about me yet I’m still here. On the sideline. He puts stupid strangers before me. Like all these girls on social media he talks to yet he doesn’t make any effort to talk to me anymore. I told him to tell me when he was free and I’ve had NOTHING from him. If he doesn’t get at me before Sunday then I’m just not going to see him cos I don’t have any means of getting to his area. And if he decides to call me after asking me why I didn’t come to see him, he’s gonna get so sassed it’s not. I doubt he’d even remember that I was meant to see him so yeah…whatever I really wish I didn’t love him anymore cos letting him go would be so much easier but apparently not. I wish I was him, just move on from me easily. Every time I think I’m ok…but I’m obviously not. It’s just not fair. Why did I have to fall in love with a dick!!!!!

Everything Has Changed

So it’s been a while since I last posted and wow has so much changed. Like two weeks ago I went to Zack and yes we had sex. And we made chocolate covered strawberries which he fed me. The sex was so much better than the first time which was so awkward. This time there was foreplay and we kissed and it was so passionate and then he gave me a hug just like the first hug he ever gave me. I went back to uni and we spoke and it was all fine and then I might have called him an ‘arrogant little shit’ and he didn’t reply and we haven’t spoken since then. He’s watched my snapchats so he knows I’m home yet he hasn’t made any effort to speak to me, yet he’s constantly on social media networks talking to all these new girls tryna find a new girlfriend. I just feel like I’ve been dropped and that I was this back up and now he’s done what he wanted with me and now I’m just another one of his girls that he’s fucked and ducked. URGH. I just want him to know how I feel but I refuse to talk to him first so I’m just sitting here stewing going crazy while he doesn’t have a care in the world!!!! ITS NOT FAAAAAAAAIR

Though there is this guy on Tinder that I’ve been talking to…lets call him Harry. And we have so much in common we both wanna work in the media and we like doing that stuff. We could be the next media industry power couple! HAHA!!!! I really wanna meet up with him and see if he’s the guy I really hope that he is. Cos I just like want something to take my mind of Zack.

I Don’t Even Know

So I’ve started this post without a title in mind cos I sorta don’t know where it going yah know. But yeah basically I don’t know where my brain is.

So Zack’s gone off on holiday with his dad and his dad’s girlfriend…so he says…though I’m obvs a bit apprehensive about him lying to me cos I feel like he does it all the time. He had a picture on snapchat on him in a room…a villa room or something an there was a female foot in the picture…I mean yeah it could be his dad’s girlfriend but it could be someone else…a girl…who is his friend…but then I decided to stalk and so I went on his POF and saw that he was online. So he can’t be with a girl if he’s still on POF right? Or maybe he’s doing it cos he knows I know and he’s tryna throw me off the scent?? Maybe I’m overthinking things I dunno. But he called me the night before was going and he said he was gonna call me when he was in his hotel room but then it was like 3am and I had a class the next morning and then he said he didn’t have any reception in his hotel room or some crap. But anyways moving on…while he was at the airport he sent me a picture of a Mickey Mouse jumper and I was like “OMG buy for it please!!” and then he was like what size and shit. Why would he offer to buy me something now that we’re not together I wouldn’t expect Jay to buy me something like that and I’ve known him since year 7…age 12ish. Urgh he really knows how to confuse my brain!!!!

It’s annoying cos I don’t wanna be with him (though I do) but I don’t wanna be with someone else. Like I matched this guy on tinder and like he seemed nice then he started talking about sex and linking and the thought of having sex with anyone new just makes me feel all weird. Which is annoying cos I know he doesn’t feel weird at all. The fact that I’d known him for like an hour (if that) also made me feel weird. But I don’t wanna have sex with anyone new. It’s like my vagina is still ina relationship with him and the rest of my body is not…URGH why is all so complicated!! Why won’t my heart just heal!!!

Probs cos Im still talking him…but not talking to him makes me sad and unhappy. And talking to him doesn’t do much for me either so really it’s a lose lose situation. Which such so much.

Well I had nice little rant which is always good. We all know I’ll go running back to him soon…though he comes running back to me too…well in my head…urgh I hate boys I swear.

What Is The Point??

What is the point of me listening to Zack and anything he ever says when chances are he’s a lying little liar who will say anything to make himself look good.

What is the point of him being on a dating website if he doesn’t want to be with anyone or think he’s gonna last…it’s not fun to get but I guess it must be fun to be the one who’s doing the hurting

What is the point of me even talking to him anymore…I always think I’m fine and then sit here upset. What if I never get over him and he’s clearly over me…looking for girls on plenty of fish and whatever.

It’s Ok Not To Be Ok

So last week was not a good week for me at all. I just was really upset about Zack and I. So I did some stalking on him and he was on his Plenty of Fish account and he’s changed some stuff on it and shit. Like he changed his intention from dating to not seeking a relationship or any commitment. It’s not even been two months since we broke up and he’s already putting himself out there to find someone else to fuck. And he said to me that he didn’t see the point of him having sex with anyone else if he didn’t need to, so he would have continued to lie to me about just sleeping with me when he was out there texting other girls and sleeping with them. Obviously I can’t stop him from doing that (he was probs doing it while we were together) but it’s the principle, like what if one of these girls has some STI and we had sex and then I get it…all cos he lied. Plus it just makes me feel like he didn’t really care about me and he didn’t want to be with me towards the end of our relationship if he can move on so fast like I wasn’t even with him for so long. But boys will be boys and I don’t wanna be with a boy I wanna be with a man so whatever.

I think what burns the most is the fact that he’s not being honest with me…like what wasn’t he honest about when we were together. I now have trust issues and that’s not fair on the next guy. At all. I really wanted us to be friends. We got on so well we had such good banter it would have been great but he’s ruining it all. Obviously I miss him but I just miss him as a person now, I don’t wanna be with this childish excuse of a man and tbh I don’t think he’s gonna change so I don’t want to be with him ever. Though I think we looked good together, but ah well that’s shit. He’s moving on so why can’t I??? But seriously how can he move on so fast without even batting an eyelid. But I guess that fact that he changed his intent means he’s not ready for a relationship but I should stop making excuses for him, it’s still wrong. Maybe I’m just being silly??

I decided to get Tinder. Haha. I don’t think I’ll meet prince charming on there or anything, not really taking it too seriously tbh but it will be a bit of laugh and maybe I can get a cheeky date out of it. But no sex. I don’t think I wanna have sex with anyone for a while. How ironic the only guy I still talk to that I’ve had sex with is the guy I lost my virginity to…he’s the guy that most people never hear from but he actually cares about me and even though he gets on my tits I really care about him. He makes me smile and I can always talk to anything to him and he’ll be honest and tell me what he think even if I don’t wanna hear it and I appreciate that a lot.

But yeah, that’s all folks.