Serious Mind Fuck

Screen Shot 2015-05-20 at 10.05.22

Hey Hey Hey, so I haven’t been posting very often Im so bugged down by uni work it’s just hard to juggle blogging and writing in my diary…I’m tryna do both now, but one always gets more love than the other but I’m working on it.

So I went home this week for a little celebration and it was all fun and games I really enjoyed it, I got a bit of work done for uni but not much. Then I went to see Zack, and for the first time since we broke up I stayed the night. He always seems to ask if I’m staying, and I never usually do cos it’s just awkward right. But I decided to stay the night and see how it went. And it went alright! Im confused as ever but that’s nothing new when it comes to us. I just don’t understand what he’s playing at. He’s a completely different person when I’m with him. he’s sweet he acts like he cares about me and then I’m gone it’s like he couldn’t forget who I was quick enough. He spends more of an effort interacting with girls on this online website than he does with me. Apparently they’re more appealing that the girl he keeps having sex with. He confused the fuck out of me while we were having sex, we were kinda dirty talking and mentioned how wet I was or something like that. Then I responded and he either said “I love it” or “I love you.” It was so mumbled that I actually cannot tell you which one it was but that seriously fucked me up. I think he probably said I love it cos please his actions are not of someone who loves me at all. I dunno what to make of it all cos they say actions speak louder than words but his actions contradict his actions.

What kinda boy lets a girl paint his nails and put a face mask on him and then just push her to the side? Surely he does this stuff cos he knows it will make me happy or maybe he’s just making  a point. What point I don’t know but it’s obviously I great one. It’s all killing me cos he claims he’s not gonna be getting into a new relationship any time yet we are so good together why are we not together then. If he hasn’t been sleeping with other people like he says and neither have I…then that is basically a relationship. But I found condoms in his draw, there four, they looked that ones that the clinic had once given to me but I don’t know that. I’m pretty sure the clinics in London give out Durex and these ones weren’t, they were the ones that I get given at uni. I do remember giving a bunch cos I’ve got a new lot now. I don’t know what to do. As much as I want to I can’t trust him, nothing about what we’re doing is permanent and I can’t let myself get too comfortable around him cos at any moment he’ll be someone else and I’ll have to watch from the sidelines.

Though I dunno…he might be on this website talking to loads of girls but he doesn’t seem to have any of their numbers or anything cos like his phone never seems to go off when I’m with him, though that could be cos he just hasn’t like replied. But I swiped down on his phone to see any like unopened messages (iPhone) and there were none. I could have just looked on his phone cos I know his password but I’m tryna to be a crazy, jealous, ex stalker…but we all know I am exactly that. There are just so many things that confuse me about this kid…I dunno what to do like… Maybe I’ll ask him the next time I’m drunk and have some confidence and can blame it on the alcohol.

But honestly…is he just playing a really good game? I’ve told him I think he’s playing games and he denied it and said why would he do that blah blah blah…but that’s what anyone would say. WHY CAN’T I READ MINDS!!!!!????

 

Wow long post sorrryyyyyy!!