Hey Hey Hey, so I haven’t been posting very often Im so bugged down by uni work it’s just hard to juggle blogging and writing in my diary…I’m tryna do both now, but one always gets more love than the other but I’m working on it.
So I went home this week for a little celebration and it was all fun and games I really enjoyed it, I got a bit of work done for uni but not much. Then I went to see Zack, and for the first time since we broke up I stayed the night. He always seems to ask if I’m staying, and I never usually do cos it’s just awkward right. But I decided to stay the night and see how it went. And it went alright! Im confused as ever but that’s nothing new when it comes to us. I just don’t understand what he’s playing at. He’s a completely different person when I’m with him. he’s sweet he acts like he cares about me and then I’m gone it’s like he couldn’t forget who I was quick enough. He spends more of an effort interacting with girls on this online website than he does with me. Apparently they’re more appealing that the girl he keeps having sex with. He confused the fuck out of me while we were having sex, we were kinda dirty talking and mentioned how wet I was or something like that. Then I responded and he either said “I love it” or “I love you.” It was so mumbled that I actually cannot tell you which one it was but that seriously fucked me up. I think he probably said I love it cos please his actions are not of someone who loves me at all. I dunno what to make of it all cos they say actions speak louder than words but his actions contradict his actions.
What kinda boy lets a girl paint his nails and put a face mask on him and then just push her to the side? Surely he does this stuff cos he knows it will make me happy or maybe he’s just making a point. What point I don’t know but it’s obviously I great one. It’s all killing me cos he claims he’s not gonna be getting into a new relationship any time yet we are so good together why are we not together then. If he hasn’t been sleeping with other people like he says and neither have I…then that is basically a relationship. But I found condoms in his draw, there four, they looked that ones that the clinic had once given to me but I don’t know that. I’m pretty sure the clinics in London give out Durex and these ones weren’t, they were the ones that I get given at uni. I do remember giving a bunch cos I’ve got a new lot now. I don’t know what to do. As much as I want to I can’t trust him, nothing about what we’re doing is permanent and I can’t let myself get too comfortable around him cos at any moment he’ll be someone else and I’ll have to watch from the sidelines.
Though I dunno…he might be on this website talking to loads of girls but he doesn’t seem to have any of their numbers or anything cos like his phone never seems to go off when I’m with him, though that could be cos he just hasn’t like replied. But I swiped down on his phone to see any like unopened messages (iPhone) and there were none. I could have just looked on his phone cos I know his password but I’m tryna to be a crazy, jealous, ex stalker…but we all know I am exactly that. There are just so many things that confuse me about this kid…I dunno what to do like… Maybe I’ll ask him the next time I’m drunk and have some confidence and can blame it on the alcohol.
But honestly…is he just playing a really good game? I’ve told him I think he’s playing games and he denied it and said why would he do that blah blah blah…but that’s what anyone would say. WHY CAN’T I READ MINDS!!!!!????
Wow long post sorrryyyyyy!!
So I’ve been reading some post from a blogger called Seriously Single In Sydney and Im so jealous of their dating life! I just wanna get back out there and date and be treated all cute and stuff. The worst thing is the last “date” I went on with this Zach and it was super cute. We went to a dessert parlour which he paid for…its pretty cheap but it was a nice guested (though I did have a bitch about how I spend money to go and see him and stuff.) But anyways I got a waffle and he got apple pie and we shared a milkshake. He’s so confused the milkshake came with one straw and he looked like he was have kittens…he was like “we need another straw” I just laughed and said “I’ve had worse in my mouth than your saliva.” Silly boy…I’ve had his penis in my mouth !!
But it was cute and then we left and went back to his and got into bed…yes we had sex. It wasn’t as passionate as the time before but this time I decided to kiss him and he kissed me back! I was so worried that he was gonna pull away or something. But nope. I guess always it was very passionate cos I was on top most of the time, which was new! After 1 year and 4 months of sexing I was on top for more than 5 minutes!
So after I tried to play it cool but he just stayed on top of me for a while then rolled over and made me cuddle him. WHY DOES HE KEEP DOING THAT. Then we started talking just about stuff and about having kids and marriage. And I remember he was so against getting married when we started seeing each other and then he said that one day he would want to! Who is the bitch that changed his mind. Then I said I wouldn’t want to have his babies and he was like “why do you keep hurting my feelings” and I was like “do you want me to have your kids?” and he gave me this weird look and said “I don’t deserve for you to have my children” and then went back to normal and said “and I’m not ready for kids anyway.” SO MUCH MIND FUCK!!!
It’s those kind of things that make me wanna stick around and see what happens between us, cos sometimes I really do think that we might get back together but then I think really. I just wish I had met him after uni…I think it would have worked out.
Why do I keep doing this to myself. I know he doesn’t give a fuck about me yet I’m still here. On the sideline. He puts stupid strangers before me. Like all these girls on social media he talks to yet he doesn’t make any effort to talk to me anymore. I told him to tell me when he was free and I’ve had NOTHING from him. If he doesn’t get at me before Sunday then I’m just not going to see him cos I don’t have any means of getting to his area. And if he decides to call me after asking me why I didn’t come to see him, he’s gonna get so sassed it’s not. I doubt he’d even remember that I was meant to see him so yeah…whatever I really wish I didn’t love him anymore cos letting him go would be so much easier but apparently not. I wish I was him, just move on from me easily. Every time I think I’m ok…but I’m obviously not. It’s just not fair. Why did I have to fall in love with a dick!!!!!
So I did it. I messaged Zack confronting him about him not speaking to me. (I sound so childish I know) So anyways he called me and I was so icy with him. He asked me if I really thought he was like that and I told him that I honestly did and I think very little of him. He said he’ll changed that. Then we were talking just about how life is going for each of us and we started talking about having babies and then he said something like “Im not ready to have a kid yet. Maybe when I find the right person” those words hurt so much. I love him so much yet he has no feelings for me what so ever. We were so good together but obviously not that good. I still think we would be great together but what does it matter what I think. It takes two people to have a relationship and Im obviously not the right person. 😦
So it’s been a while since I last posted and wow has so much changed. Like two weeks ago I went to Zack and yes we had sex. And we made chocolate covered strawberries which he fed me. The sex was so much better than the first time which was so awkward. This time there was foreplay and we kissed and it was so passionate and then he gave me a hug just like the first hug he ever gave me. I went back to uni and we spoke and it was all fine and then I might have called him an ‘arrogant little shit’ and he didn’t reply and we haven’t spoken since then. He’s watched my snapchats so he knows I’m home yet he hasn’t made any effort to speak to me, yet he’s constantly on social media networks talking to all these new girls tryna find a new girlfriend. I just feel like I’ve been dropped and that I was this back up and now he’s done what he wanted with me and now I’m just another one of his girls that he’s fucked and ducked. URGH. I just want him to know how I feel but I refuse to talk to him first so I’m just sitting here stewing going crazy while he doesn’t have a care in the world!!!! ITS NOT FAAAAAAAAIR
Though there is this guy on Tinder that I’ve been talking to…lets call him Harry. And we have so much in common we both wanna work in the media and we like doing that stuff. We could be the next media industry power couple! HAHA!!!! I really wanna meet up with him and see if he’s the guy I really hope that he is. Cos I just like want something to take my mind of Zack.
So I’m back to moping and being sad. Like after yesterday all my feelings for Zack have sorta come back harder…like I just don’t know. I realised that I still really wanna be with him. So bad…so so so bad. I thought I was ok. And like today he sent me a picture of a parcel that he packaged at work and it was to Disney Company…like that made me smile…he’s still finding ways to make me happy. So we’re meeting up next week to actually try and go to the cinema and stuff. And he said that he would come to the station near my house and stay with me a couple stops (which is like half an hour) to keep me company. I don’t understand why he would offer to do all these things and not what to be with me.
I’m just scared that he’s gonna move on and then I’m gonna be left alone and unwanted. Cos that’s how I feel…unwanted. And like I just know he’s gonna be move on to someone better than me in every way possible. *sigh*
So I welled up for the first time in like a week…I dunno if Ima be able to deal with going to the cinema but he really wants to go and I wanna prove I’m as strong as him so yah gotta do what you gotta do right.
Also I should get my period tomorrow…though I’m not really getting any proper cramps like I should…which is worrying but it should all be fine I thinks.
Oh yeah so he said he was gonna call me about the letter I wrote him…still no call yet 😦 but I don’t wanna bring it up…it’s embarrassing so erm no thanks.
So today was the day me and Zack where going to the cinema…he didn’t tell me what time we were meant to be going till like 11am this morning…cutting it a but slim. But anyways I already knew I was gonna be super late and to be fair he should have known that too. So I text him saying I was gonna leave and that and I didn’t know that it hadn’t been delivered to him phone so I made my way like usual. I get there and it just doesn’t ring and I’m like wonderful.
So I buzz his buzzer and I can see that the light is on in his friends room and I buzz thinking that it’s him but it is not. And I wait for like 10/15 mins with no answer and so I started thinking that he was playing some sick kinda joke on me and so I was on the phone to my friend swearing like there was no tomorrow! I get the bus and finally he calls me and shit and says his phone was dead and he went to the Apple Store to get a new charger. I was like why didn’t you think I was gonna come! And we talked and I was so upset and angry that I told him our friendship was over! But then I got off the bus and went back to give him his vest and his Christmas present and by that point the anger was just seeping from me and I really wanted to just see him and see how I felt when I did.
He came and we spoke at the front door for like 15 minutes…he apologised and shit and we spoke vaguely about us and stuff…he told me he’s single…he better be single it’s been like 2 weeks he can’t have moved on so quickly! I told him that as well. He asked me if I wanted to go upstairs and I was like “I don’t think we’re ready for that yet” which he agreed with and he muttered that he was still attracted to me and still cared about me and I guess we both know we’re not ready to be in a room alone when all we know is how to be romantic I guess. I said that he still needs to take me to Disneyland to make up for it and he at first he joked but he said that it’s something we could work towards. Though sleeping arrangements would be weird. It would be weird getting ina bed with him…in Paris…and not having sex…or cuddling but I think we’ll get there…some day.