I Don’t Even Know

So I’ve started this post without a title in mind cos I sorta don’t know where it going yah know. But yeah basically I don’t know where my brain is.

So Zack’s gone off on holiday with his dad and his dad’s girlfriend…so he says…though I’m obvs a bit apprehensive about him lying to me cos I feel like he does it all the time. He had a picture on snapchat on him in a room…a villa room or something an there was a female foot in the picture…I mean yeah it could be his dad’s girlfriend but it could be someone else…a girl…who is his friend…but then I decided to stalk and so I went on his POF and saw that he was online. So he can’t be with a girl if he’s still on POF right? Or maybe he’s doing it cos he knows I know and he’s tryna throw me off the scent?? Maybe I’m overthinking things I dunno. But he called me the night before was going and he said he was gonna call me when he was in his hotel room but then it was like 3am and I had a class the next morning and then he said he didn’t have any reception in his hotel room or some crap. But anyways moving on…while he was at the airport he sent me a picture of a Mickey Mouse jumper and I was like “OMG buy for it please!!” and then he was like what size and shit. Why would he offer to buy me something now that we’re not together I wouldn’t expect Jay to buy me something like that and I’ve known him since year 7…age 12ish. Urgh he really knows how to confuse my brain!!!!

It’s annoying cos I don’t wanna be with him (though I do) but I don’t wanna be with someone else. Like I matched this guy on tinder and like he seemed nice then he started talking about sex and linking and the thought of having sex with anyone new just makes me feel all weird. Which is annoying cos I know he doesn’t feel weird at all. The fact that I’d known him for like an hour (if that) also made me feel weird. But I don’t wanna have sex with anyone new. It’s like my vagina is still ina relationship with him and the rest of my body is not…URGH why is all so complicated!! Why won’t my heart just heal!!!

Probs cos Im still talking him…but not talking to him makes me sad and unhappy. And talking to him doesn’t do much for me either so really it’s a lose lose situation. Which such so much.

Well I had nice little rant which is always good. We all know I’ll go running back to him soon…though he comes running back to me too…well in my head…urgh I hate boys I swear.

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I Just Don’t Understand

So I posted not long ago that I was in a pretty good mood from Valentine’s Day and all and now I’m sorta left in limbo cos I don’t know where I stand again. So I sorta decided that for me not get hurt and stuff I should stop stalking Zack but that lasted about 7 seconds and I went stalking him on POF again and he had been online but not recently from what I had seen. Then I checked again and his profile had gone and so I went looking for him and he had changed his intent to “Dating but nothing serious” how can you from talking to me all day at work on Valentine’s Day to deciding he wants to start dating. I was really starting to think that he still liked me but nope. I just don’t get it. He makes plans with me in the far future like Disneyland and just hanging out over Easter and yet he’s out there looking for vagina to date. Why do that? Maybe I am a back up…like if he doesn’t find a girl on POF then he knows I’m here to have sex with him and the worst thing is I will. I have needs…it’s been like 2 weeks and I’m starting to go crazy. Any normal person would have just given up but I’m here yo-yoing all over the place while he’s stabling walking across the tight-rope.

URGH…somebody help…what are his motives?? Should I just attempt to go cold turkey and not speak to him??

What I Did This Valentine’s Day

So I thought I would have a depressing valentines day with a tub of ice cream and my sad thoughts but I actually had a really nice Valentine’s. And it was kinda cos of Zack. We spent basically two hours on the phone just talking and having a laugh. Like he makes me laugh and I make him laugh, we’re an odd pair. We spoke about him and his broken life basically and relationships and stuff and none of it seemed awkward. I guess he was more honest with me…though I kinda new some of the stuff anyways. But yeah it was nice to just have a chat to him. I obviously still care about him even if he doesn’t care about me in the same way but it is what is it. We also discussed going to Disneyland in the summer and we just joked about doing loads of romantic stuff like rose petals on the bed and dinners and stuff. It would be nice to go to Disneyland but I doubt it will happen. I mean imagine if he gets a girlfriend and he tells her he’s going to Disneyland PARIS with his ex. No girl would be ok with that no matter what they said. I know I wouldn’t. So I don’t wanna plan ahead too much we’ll see where we are in the summer. Next time I’m at home and I go and see him he said he’d make me chocolate covered strawberries cos I made them last night and sent him a picture of it. We are seriously a confused pair of people. I am worried that he’s doing all of this so I won’t move on and I’ll always be there as his sort of safety net but I’m trying to to worry too much about it. I don’t think we’ll ever get back together but if I can just learn to trust him and he learn to be more honest we’d be great friends.

What Is The Point??

What is the point of me listening to Zack and anything he ever says when chances are he’s a lying little liar who will say anything to make himself look good.

What is the point of him being on a dating website if he doesn’t want to be with anyone or think he’s gonna last…it’s not fun to get but I guess it must be fun to be the one who’s doing the hurting

What is the point of me even talking to him anymore…I always think I’m fine and then sit here upset. What if I never get over him and he’s clearly over me…looking for girls on plenty of fish and whatever.

Maybe I Like Being Hurt?

I dunno what it is but I went so long being angry at Zack and then the anger fizzled out and I just started like caring again. Like he’s hurt me so much yet I’m still here.

So basically I got Tinder and was swiping no a lot and then I saw his brother and was OMG OMG OMG!! I didn’t think his brother would come but then he lives in a city quite near to my uni. So the girls on my floor swiped yes on him and we actually matched!!!! I think he must have recognised my face or name told Zack and Zack told him to swipe yes on me and see what happened cos he unmatched me when I didn’t talk to him. And then Zack called me the same night at like 1am when he has work and has to be up at like 7. But whatever. The convo got so we started talking about random stuff like how we were and stuff then convo changed to him somehow and how he doesn’t think he’s ever gonna like be with someone long term and stuff. And how he doesn’t think he’ll ever be in love. Was kinda awkward like I loved him and he was the first one to say “love you” and stuff like that like I would have never said if he hadn’t have said it first. Though he did always sorta pause a bit when he said which makes sense.

I’m scared his playing silly mind games with me and I just need to back the fuck out before I end up hurt some more…but like I said…maybe I like getting.

And Tinder is so useless ! I’ve matched two nice guys but I’m so shy that I don’t want to start a convo and so they just sorta unmatch me…which sucks…

It’s Ok Not To Be Ok

So last week was not a good week for me at all. I just was really upset about Zack and I. So I did some stalking on him and he was on his Plenty of Fish account and he’s changed some stuff on it and shit. Like he changed his intention from dating to not seeking a relationship or any commitment. It’s not even been two months since we broke up and he’s already putting himself out there to find someone else to fuck. And he said to me that he didn’t see the point of him having sex with anyone else if he didn’t need to, so he would have continued to lie to me about just sleeping with me when he was out there texting other girls and sleeping with them. Obviously I can’t stop him from doing that (he was probs doing it while we were together) but it’s the principle, like what if one of these girls has some STI and we had sex and then I get it…all cos he lied. Plus it just makes me feel like he didn’t really care about me and he didn’t want to be with me towards the end of our relationship if he can move on so fast like I wasn’t even with him for so long. But boys will be boys and I don’t wanna be with a boy I wanna be with a man so whatever.

I think what burns the most is the fact that he’s not being honest with me…like what wasn’t he honest about when we were together. I now have trust issues and that’s not fair on the next guy. At all. I really wanted us to be friends. We got on so well we had such good banter it would have been great but he’s ruining it all. Obviously I miss him but I just miss him as a person now, I don’t wanna be with this childish excuse of a man and tbh I don’t think he’s gonna change so I don’t want to be with him ever. Though I think we looked good together, but ah well that’s shit. He’s moving on so why can’t I??? But seriously how can he move on so fast without even batting an eyelid. But I guess that fact that he changed his intent means he’s not ready for a relationship but I should stop making excuses for him, it’s still wrong. Maybe I’m just being silly??

I decided to get Tinder. Haha. I don’t think I’ll meet prince charming on there or anything, not really taking it too seriously tbh but it will be a bit of laugh and maybe I can get a cheeky date out of it. But no sex. I don’t think I wanna have sex with anyone for a while. How ironic the only guy I still talk to that I’ve had sex with is the guy I lost my virginity to…he’s the guy that most people never hear from but he actually cares about me and even though he gets on my tits I really care about him. He makes me smile and I can always talk to anything to him and he’ll be honest and tell me what he think even if I don’t wanna hear it and I appreciate that a lot.

But yeah, that’s all folks.

I Need To Get A Grip

So last night I went out with my uni pals and it was meant to be a great night I was so excited and everything and then they all started bashing Zack and then it just took a turn for the worst. I dunno but I just got so upset…probs cos I was pretty drunk. Then when we went out I wasn’t really enjoying myself and then someone asked me what was wrong and I just started crying. Like I honestly feel like this guy has too much control over my happiness and it’s just not fair. I know I’m not on his mind the way he’s on mine. And he doesn’t get upset in the same way…probs not at all. It’s clear that from the sex he has no feelings for me at all and I still have feelings for him. I dunno he was acting distant cos maybe I was acting distant…but I feel like I wasn’t. I did ask him to get out of me almost straight away which I wouldn’t usually have said but like what was I meant to say. Let’s have a cuddle like old times?? *sigh*

My friend Tina kept going on about how he still loves me and shit but I don’t think he ever did. If he did he wouldn’t have started texting his ex as a back up and he would have tried to work things out, but he didn’t he took the easy way cos I’m not worth it I guess and yeah that hearts. I just don’t know how we went from that great weekend to breaking up…well I do…but it was so drastic and that why I think I can’t fully take it all in. I still love him and I guess maybe it sucks that he doesn’t love me back… Sometimes I feel like I want to just tell him how I feel but what is the point…he doesn’t care how I feel and he would never understand he doesn’t have feelings like that, so I just keep my plight to myself and every now and again break down.

I’m not looking forward to Valentines Day at all cos my flat is just full of couples and I can’t be aaaaaasked with all the romance and lovey dovey crap I’m probs gonna have to deal with!!!! AH WELL…one day someone will love me.