Long Time No Write

So it’s been a while since I posted. And I didn’t say I was gonna speak on different topics and stuff and I hopefully will. I’ve just wanted a bit of time to myself I guess to reflect and all that jazz that grown up do.

So Zack and I are actually really good in terms of our friendship…yes we still have sex but we’re just friends. I don’t quite know how I feel about him whether I want to be friends or more but I haven’t wanted to burst into tears and cry about this shitty behaviour which is always good I guess.

I’ve been on tinder and it’s been awful. I’m not looking for a new relationship just someone to chill with and everyone is just sexed crazed it’s not a great situation but I will persist I guess.

Serious Mind Fuck

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Hey Hey Hey, so I haven’t been posting very often Im so bugged down by uni work it’s just hard to juggle blogging and writing in my diary…I’m tryna do both now, but one always gets more love than the other but I’m working on it.

So I went home this week for a little celebration and it was all fun and games I really enjoyed it, I got a bit of work done for uni but not much. Then I went to see Zack, and for the first time since we broke up I stayed the night. He always seems to ask if I’m staying, and I never usually do cos it’s just awkward right. But I decided to stay the night and see how it went. And it went alright! Im confused as ever but that’s nothing new when it comes to us. I just don’t understand what he’s playing at. He’s a completely different person when I’m with him. he’s sweet he acts like he cares about me and then I’m gone it’s like he couldn’t forget who I was quick enough. He spends more of an effort interacting with girls on this online website than he does with me. Apparently they’re more appealing that the girl he keeps having sex with. He confused the fuck out of me while we were having sex, we were kinda dirty talking and mentioned how wet I was or something like that. Then I responded and he either said “I love it” or “I love you.” It was so mumbled that I actually cannot tell you which one it was but that seriously fucked me up. I think he probably said I love it cos please his actions are not of someone who loves me at all. I dunno what to make of it all cos they say actions speak louder than words but his actions contradict his actions.

What kinda boy lets a girl paint his nails and put a face mask on him and then just push her to the side? Surely he does this stuff cos he knows it will make me happy or maybe he’s just making  a point. What point I don’t know but it’s obviously I great one. It’s all killing me cos he claims he’s not gonna be getting into a new relationship any time yet we are so good together why are we not together then. If he hasn’t been sleeping with other people like he says and neither have I…then that is basically a relationship. But I found condoms in his draw, there four, they looked that ones that the clinic had once given to me but I don’t know that. I’m pretty sure the clinics in London give out Durex and these ones weren’t, they were the ones that I get given at uni. I do remember giving a bunch cos I’ve got a new lot now. I don’t know what to do. As much as I want to I can’t trust him, nothing about what we’re doing is permanent and I can’t let myself get too comfortable around him cos at any moment he’ll be someone else and I’ll have to watch from the sidelines.

Though I dunno…he might be on this website talking to loads of girls but he doesn’t seem to have any of their numbers or anything cos like his phone never seems to go off when I’m with him, though that could be cos he just hasn’t like replied. But I swiped down on his phone to see any like unopened messages (iPhone) and there were none. I could have just looked on his phone cos I know his password but I’m tryna to be a crazy, jealous, ex stalker…but we all know I am exactly that. There are just so many things that confuse me about this kid…I dunno what to do like… Maybe I’ll ask him the next time I’m drunk and have some confidence and can blame it on the alcohol.

But honestly…is he just playing a really good game? I’ve told him I think he’s playing games and he denied it and said why would he do that blah blah blah…but that’s what anyone would say. WHY CAN’T I READ MINDS!!!!!????

 

Wow long post sorrryyyyyy!!

 

I Just Want To Get Back Out There

So I’ve been reading some post from a blogger called Seriously Single In Sydney and Im so jealous of their dating life! I just wanna get back out there and date and be treated all cute and stuff. The worst thing is the last “date” I went on with this Zach and it was super cute. We went to a dessert parlour which he paid for…its pretty cheap but it was a nice guested (though I did have a bitch about how I spend money to go and see him and stuff.) But anyways I got a waffle and he got apple pie and we shared a milkshake. He’s so confused the milkshake came with one straw and he looked like he was have kittens…he was like “we need another straw” I just laughed and said “I’ve had worse in my mouth than your saliva.” Silly boy…I’ve had his penis in my mouth !!

But it was cute and then we left and went back to his and got into bed…yes we had sex. It wasn’t as passionate as the time before but this time I decided to kiss him and he kissed me back! I was so worried that he was gonna pull away or something. But nope. I guess always it was very passionate cos I was on top most of the time, which was new! After 1 year and 4 months of sexing I was on top for more than 5 minutes!

So after I tried to play it cool but he just stayed on top of me for a while then rolled over and made me cuddle him. WHY DOES HE KEEP DOING THAT. Then we started talking just about stuff and about having kids and marriage. And I remember he was so against getting married when we started seeing each other and then he said that one day he would want to! Who is the bitch that changed his mind. Then I said I wouldn’t want to have his babies and he was like “why do you keep hurting my feelings” and I was like “do you want me to have your kids?” and he gave me this weird look and said “I don’t deserve for you to have my children” and then went back to normal and said “and I’m not ready for kids anyway.” SO MUCH MIND FUCK!!!

It’s those kind of things that make me wanna stick around and see what happens between us, cos sometimes I really do think that we might get back together but then I think really. I just wish I had met him after uni…I think it would have worked out.

Why Do I Keep Putting Myself Through This Shit?

Why do I keep doing this to myself. I know he doesn’t give a fuck about me yet I’m still here. On the sideline. He puts stupid strangers before me. Like all these girls on social media he talks to yet he doesn’t make any effort to talk to me anymore. I told him to tell me when he was free and I’ve had NOTHING from him. If he doesn’t get at me before Sunday then I’m just not going to see him cos I don’t have any means of getting to his area. And if he decides to call me after asking me why I didn’t come to see him, he’s gonna get so sassed it’s not. I doubt he’d even remember that I was meant to see him so yeah…whatever I really wish I didn’t love him anymore cos letting him go would be so much easier but apparently not. I wish I was him, just move on from me easily. Every time I think I’m ok…but I’m obviously not. It’s just not fair. Why did I have to fall in love with a dick!!!!!

It’s Like A Stab To The Heart

So I did it. I messaged Zack confronting him about him not speaking to me. (I sound so childish I know) So anyways he called me and I was so icy with him. He asked me if I really thought he was like that and I told him that I honestly did and I think very little of him. He said he’ll changed that. Then we were talking just about how life is going for each of us and we started talking about having babies and then he said something like “Im not ready to have a kid yet. Maybe when I find the right person” those words hurt so much. I love him so much yet he has no feelings for me what so ever. We were so good together but obviously not that good. I still think we would be great together but what does it matter what I think. It takes two people to have a relationship and Im obviously not the right person. 😦

What Does It All Mean?

Hey Hey Peeps,

So I haven’t posted for about a week but with good reason. It was my birthday last week and I had an awesome party, got super drunk was cray! Anyways so Zack actually called me on my birthday and we spoke and shit and it was cool. Then I did a classic me and called him drunk and asked him when he gets a new girlfriend what will happen to our friendship? Will we stop talking and shit. And he was like how he just wouldn’t tell her!! That’s lying!! How many girls out there are happy with guys talking to their especially if they’ve spent time with each other outside of their relationship AND had sex?!?!?! NONE! NOT ONE! And so I remember telling him that I didn’t trust him anymore and this was proof as to why. And he got a bit defensive and was like how we would have this convo when I was sober. Has not happened yet…He also said I looked sexy…which was true. I looked GOOOOOOD!!!

But I think he’s talking to a girl he likes from plenty of fish cos he hasn’t been on in a while which must mean that he’s found a girl he seems to like right?? Which leads me to my next question…why does he still want to see me…I’m going home next week and I asked if he wanted a visit from me and his words were “I would love one” that really through me…a simple yes would have been ok. But nope he wants to be all weird. Then I asked/told him he was gonna make me the chocolate strawberries he promised me and he said maybe. But like he if he is talking to another girl why does he still wanna see me…are we still gonna have sex…cos Im kinda banking on it tbhh. Or maybe he’s given up on POF and is just gonna live his life?? I doubt it. But what does that mean for our Disneyland trip!! He can’t have a girlfriend till after Disneyland! I wanna have sex in Paris!!!! So long…I might bring this all up when I see him next week…sounds like a plan to meeeeeeee.

The New Guy

So I’ve been talking to this guy that I matched on Tinder. And he seemed nice…normal conversation and that. Not like really attractive but nothing awful to look at. So last night he called me to explain how at 20 years of age he hadn’t had a relationship longer than 1 month. And he keeps going out with girls who are like 16/17…he’s 20. These girls can’t even drink legally like Jesus. But whatever that’s his opinion. The convo was going well and then he started talking about sex and stuff and he how he’s tryna be like proper Christian so he doesn’t wanna have sex now. I was like “wow” so I asked him how long he was gonna wait if he got into a relationship and he was like “2-3 years” my jaw actually dropped!!! YEAR! For someone who hasn’t lasted in a relationship longer than 1 month don’t you think thats asking for a bit much?? And then he proceeded to tell me that he can’t kiss his girlfriend, touch her sexual or anything! That means foreplay is out of the question! ARE YOU MAD!!!?? Like that’s basically a friendship…and he sound thats what his pastor said. He pastor can tell him he can’t do anything and what does his pastor know about all of this right now…he’s married he can go and fuck his wife till he turns blue in the face. This is what I don’t agree with in Christianity…like taking the bible literally is just not feasible in my opinion. For so many reason. How am I mean to take something seriously when it has a million different version. And a million different sects. Christianity as a religion is so fragmented…all these different versions of the bible were translated and written to suit the need to the ruler at the time…so for me to take the bible word for word I think is silly because the bible was defo written with an agenda..but again this is all my opinion.

But talking to this guy just made me realise how much I wanted to be with Zack still. We just go each other and like yeah…even though he makes my blood boil at the best of times…he still gets me but ugh lemme not go into it.