So it’s been a while since I posted. And I didn’t say I was gonna speak on different topics and stuff and I hopefully will. I’ve just wanted a bit of time to myself I guess to reflect and all that jazz that grown up do.
So Zack and I are actually really good in terms of our friendship…yes we still have sex but we’re just friends. I don’t quite know how I feel about him whether I want to be friends or more but I haven’t wanted to burst into tears and cry about this shitty behaviour which is always good I guess.
I’ve been on tinder and it’s been awful. I’m not looking for a new relationship just someone to chill with and everyone is just sexed crazed it’s not a great situation but I will persist I guess.
So I thought I would have a depressing valentines day with a tub of ice cream and my sad thoughts but I actually had a really nice Valentine’s. And it was kinda cos of Zack. We spent basically two hours on the phone just talking and having a laugh. Like he makes me laugh and I make him laugh, we’re an odd pair. We spoke about him and his broken life basically and relationships and stuff and none of it seemed awkward. I guess he was more honest with me…though I kinda new some of the stuff anyways. But yeah it was nice to just have a chat to him. I obviously still care about him even if he doesn’t care about me in the same way but it is what is it. We also discussed going to Disneyland in the summer and we just joked about doing loads of romantic stuff like rose petals on the bed and dinners and stuff. It would be nice to go to Disneyland but I doubt it will happen. I mean imagine if he gets a girlfriend and he tells her he’s going to Disneyland PARIS with his ex. No girl would be ok with that no matter what they said. I know I wouldn’t. So I don’t wanna plan ahead too much we’ll see where we are in the summer. Next time I’m at home and I go and see him he said he’d make me chocolate covered strawberries cos I made them last night and sent him a picture of it. We are seriously a confused pair of people. I am worried that he’s doing all of this so I won’t move on and I’ll always be there as his sort of safety net but I’m trying to to worry too much about it. I don’t think we’ll ever get back together but if I can just learn to trust him and he learn to be more honest we’d be great friends.
Apparently that is what I am…am mug. There are two main reasons why I’m a mug and the first one you can guess is Zack. The other are the people I live with.
So basically on SUNDAY 4th he said he was gonna call me and the he didn’t and then I get this message on my phone in the morning saying. “my battery was low and I wanted to save it for my alarm forgot to tell you” He doesn’t even work on Monday so what was he setting an alarm for…BULLSHIT. And when I sent the message to his phone it didn’t even send so his battery died anyway so that excuse was BULLSHIT. Then at like 9.20 he send me a text…after no contact all day saying he was gonna call me within in the hour so I better pick up…said hour passes…no phone call…I sent him a message at like 11.30…a whole TWO hours later saying “funny looking hour” and still no reply no text saying sorry. Like he keeps fucking me about like this. If you’re not gonna call don’t fucking say it. What is his problem honestly. I wonder what stupid excuse I’m gonna receive this morning. The fact that he can do this two nights in a row and not care shows how much he just doesn’t care about me to be honest, Im nothing to him anymore so why should he give a flying fuck. But me being the mug that I am will still try and make this friendship work. What is the point…I feel like Im just his back up in case some girl he’s talking to falls through.
So I basically spent most of the day in my room cos I just could not be bothered with them. And then I realised all my hair stuff and toothpaste and bar of soap and gone missing. And by the looks of it all their stuff is still there. So I went to twitter and had a little vent. And then I get a message in the group chat from one of them saying that I should email maintenance about it cos some of there stuff went missing too. Am I really gonna email about a few fucking toiletries?! But all my stuff was in cabinet which isn’t really that close to the wall they were tiling so please explain why they would have needed to be in there. I mean if they wanna play games…go ahead. And apparently they wanna talk to me and see how everything is and shit…is my door invisible fucking knock then instead of gathering in each others rooms to have a lil bitch session. GOSH…to be honest I’m very content with my own presence so I couldn’t care less.
So I’m back in hell. When I got back no one in the front room so I didn’t have any awkward encounters which was great!! But it’s just gonna awkward now cos like I just don’t like them very much. But tbhh I don’t care anymore. Ima just focus on getting SLIM bitches!!!
I keep thinking I wish Zack was here (and he actually coulda come with me today there were no barriers) but if he was here like he was meant to be then I wouldn’t really be in this problem cos I wouldn’t know that this is how they are. So yah know. Still wish he was here though cos I wanna cuddle.
I’ll report later if there is more to say.
So I’m off to uni soon. Just tidying my room up and I thought I’d post one more time while I’m feeling great and not wanting to kill myself or anything.
I’m really not looking forward to going back like I’m just gonna spend most of my time in room tryna do my work and at the gym. I’m hoping I can get a job and so that will keep me super busy as well. I just don’t want to be around people I can’t really trust and who don’t care. It’s that simple to be fair and I don’t think I’m overreacting, I’m being honest. I’ll tell you what went down when I arrive.
SO WE ACTUALLY WENT TO THE CINEMA!!!! FINALLY!!!
So I turned up at his house and some guy was already at the door and it was so awkward! His brother told me he was in the shower so I went upstairs and sat on his bed feeling so awkward. Then he thought it was ok to come in naked though he put some boxers on and just say there semi naked! URGH. He was putting on his watch and I made a face and he let me wear it just like old times. Then went we left me and we were walking he put his arm around me and then I think he remembered and he gave it it quick squeeze then let go. In the cinema we were flirting a little though it was actually quite pack up (we watched Mockingjay Part 1) then he started texting during the film and I saw that it looked like his “cousin” that I caught him texting the first time. Like I was so angry like I felt so jealous even though we’re not together I just felt like why is he still texting her. No one texts their cousin of the opposite sex that much. But then I had to just calm down cos he can text whom ever he wishes…we’re not together anymore so he can so whatever he likes right? WRONG. But he’s still gonna do it so I might as well do what I want.
So anyways after the film we were walking about and he was like “do you wanna watch another film” and I was like “so now you wanna suggest another film when we’re half way out!!” So after we were walking and he was like “do you wanna go back to mine” and I was like in my head: only one thing is gonna come from this and I’m not quite ready for that. So I said no thanks but then my back kept hurting me and he was like “if you come back to mine I can sort that out” and that just means my clothes have to come off for a massage and then boom! SEX is happening! So anyways as I was on the train home I got a message from Zack saying how he can’t stop thinking about one of the nights that we had sex (i know what night he’s talking about) and that’s why he suggested that I come home with him and he was sorry if he made things harder on me. The only thing is made me so was realise how horny I was. Then we were talking about actually having sex and he was like how me not coming back with him was probs good cos it would be harder for me not to get attached again. I get what he was saying and it’s probs true but he thinks Im the fragile creature. I mean he was the only one who I’ve had feelings for that I’ve slept with but still ! Have some faith man!!!! But he said that if I decided I was ready we both know it would be amazing. Which is correct. Sex with him was so good. So so so so good. But I’m worried that I will get reattached cos like what will I do after? We can’t cuddle or kiss? Like what does one dooooooooo? Get dressed and leave? But then I’m just some any next female and that’s defo not what I am!!! I’m his friend, his ex, someone who he was meant to have cared about…
He claims to not have slept with anyone since we’ve broken…we both sorta asked each other subtly. Cos my back was hurting he was like “rah if that you moving on from me that quickly” and I was like “no. I’m not you” and he was like “what” and I was like “I haven’t moved on that quickly” “and he was like…but I have what makes you say that” and I said “cos you like sex blah blah” and he said “yeah when I have time to think about it.” I dunno if he’s saying he hasn’t slept with anyone or not. I mean I would like to know if he has cos then maybe I know that I could…I mean I would anyways. There’s thing guy I’m talking to and like maybe I could sex him. When I’m done with all my work I’ll give him a quick message see if he’s free to come see me more summin. Though I dunno if I actually want to have sex with him. Ugh this is far too complicated.
This is all far too confusing for my brain to handle! But I’m happy…for the time being…I’m in a good place right now I think Im actually going to be ok. Maybe a good cry was all I actually needed. I was honest with myself and my feelings and now I think I’m able to actually let go. And I think seeing him will become easier and the urge to grab him and kiss him will slowly go away…hopefully.
Wow what a long post.
So I didn’t see Zack yesterday. He called me and basically told me his brother’s daughters go taken to hospital and stuff. So yeah I guess that’s a valid…more than valid. He tried to arrange another day but I dunno if I can take it. Or if I wanna set myself to fail again. There’s only so much I can take.
Then it hit me…I’m not gonna see him this holiday…and not seeing him solidified the fact that we’re just not together anymore and I’m not gonna lie that sucks but I think what hit me more was how much I miss him and I’m not gonna see him for a couple of months and it’s just not normal. Like yeah we went like weeks not seeing each other but I always knew I would see him eventually I had that to look forward to. And now I gotta force myself to get used to that and I didn’t realise how much it hurts. Like I literally have been crying on and off for hours…I probs cried in my sleep I’m that miserable. This is such a shitty way to spend the last day of 2014. I never saw it coming.
I just got a text back him and he says he doesn’t understand…like he doesn’t know if I wanna see him anymore or not. To be honest I can’t give him a straight answer…I don’t want to never see him again cos then I might as well never speak to him again. And I don’t want that. But we’re never gonna have a normal friendship..though I haven’t experienced hanging out with him to know what it’s like. I’m so confused my head is working over time and my eyes literally keep leaking water.
I guess time is a healer right? I really hope so. But I don’t think I’m ready to let anyone in for a long time. I’m gonna be single for so long I might as well start buying some animals right? Tbh I should focus on my uni work…I should use it as a distraction from the fuckeries that is my life right now.
What sucks the most is that I don’t think he fully understands how much pain I’m in. He’s always been so “strong” he doesn’t really have feelings yah know so he’s sorta just living life. And then there’s me crying my eyes out like a fool. I hate they way I am…
Oh yeah for those of you who aren’t new to my blog…do you like the new layout??? I think it makes navigation a lot more easier. Well I hope so anyways.