So what has happened since I last posted like last month. Nothing new. As ever Zack has been acting so bi polar with me I just don’t know what to make of it anymore. So I went to his house and was in his room and I found an opened condom wrapper in this bag. He’d obviously slept with someone else…which he said he wasn’t gonna. I mean yeah at least he used a condom but thats not the point the point is she slept with someone and the lied to me saying he couldn’t remember when it was probably like 2 weeks (if that) before we slept together the start of May. So I found it it was one of his exes…probably the ex that he was talking to…or he lied about not really talking to his exes other than me. More lies!
Anyways I saw him last week Monday and yes we had (the best sex we’ve ever had…but not the point) and we were cuddling after and stuff and I asked him how long this sex thing was gonna go on for and he said probably until I decide to see someone else. So 1. We’re seeing each other but less than a month ago you were fucking another girl. Right? 2. Doesn’t he get that I can’t allow myself to move on. I don’t want new pain. At least the pain he causes me is familiar and expected so it doesn’t phase me like a new person would. He’s wounded so much the pain seems to just be part of our relationship…whatever that might be. 3. I don’t really wanna admit but I’m kinda waiting around for him to see how great I am. Which is dumb cos I’ve been around for this long and if he can’t see it then why should I try and convince him??
So anyways back to last Monday. We were cuddling and I was asking him questions tryna see where it was I stood with him and he was saying how he wasn’t gonna get into a new relationship cos he was too busy. And half the stuff he said seemed pretty genuine. Then his phone rang and it was this girl that I know he’s been texting for a while. I hate him! I admit that of course I’m jealous, I still see him as my property though he as proved that he is defo not. And he’s always texting her, he’s always on WhatsApp and I can hardly get a reply a day. Kmt. What is the point. Lately he’s been on POF and another social networking site. And yet he never seems to have the time to reply to me but he can reply to random sluts. Cool.
I’m being a bit of a hypocrite cos I am talking to other boys and like two weeks I went out with some friends I kissed this guy and we swapped numbers. We haven’t spoken in a week though and I’m not gonna text him first again. Nope. Then I had a party and invited Zack and he brought friend along (can’t remember his name) anyways Zack was acting so weird I couldn’t be bother with him so I guess I started flirting with Ray. (For those who have read this blog from the start you may remember Ray, I was basically in love with him) anyways after the party ended Ray and I ended up in bed together just like old times. We kissed cuddled and shit and played with each other…;). And i kinda felt bad but why should I’m single right? Anyways we were gonna have sex but I heard my mum and brother so rolled off of him and we just went to sleep. Then two days later I has my legs wide open for Zack…urgh!!!!
Anyways why am I at the end of my tether?? I’ve told Zack that he’s annoying me and he hasn’t replied yet he’s watched my snapchat…the mobile device does ONE THING!! why can’t he reply! GOSH It’s obviously not that important…whatever. Im meant to be seeing him tomorrow who knows if that’s gonna happen. Anyways sorry about the long post it doesn’t even make much sense.
I’m gonna start blogging about more serious stuff like what’s been going on in the news and stuff. My life doesn’t revolve around boys…though would never have guessed from all the posts. I hope you guys like the new stuff I have to write about cos even I’m getting bored of Zack can only imagine how you guys feel!!!
Hey Hey Hey, so I haven’t been posting very often Im so bugged down by uni work it’s just hard to juggle blogging and writing in my diary…I’m tryna do both now, but one always gets more love than the other but I’m working on it.
So I went home this week for a little celebration and it was all fun and games I really enjoyed it, I got a bit of work done for uni but not much. Then I went to see Zack, and for the first time since we broke up I stayed the night. He always seems to ask if I’m staying, and I never usually do cos it’s just awkward right. But I decided to stay the night and see how it went. And it went alright! Im confused as ever but that’s nothing new when it comes to us. I just don’t understand what he’s playing at. He’s a completely different person when I’m with him. he’s sweet he acts like he cares about me and then I’m gone it’s like he couldn’t forget who I was quick enough. He spends more of an effort interacting with girls on this online website than he does with me. Apparently they’re more appealing that the girl he keeps having sex with. He confused the fuck out of me while we were having sex, we were kinda dirty talking and mentioned how wet I was or something like that. Then I responded and he either said “I love it” or “I love you.” It was so mumbled that I actually cannot tell you which one it was but that seriously fucked me up. I think he probably said I love it cos please his actions are not of someone who loves me at all. I dunno what to make of it all cos they say actions speak louder than words but his actions contradict his actions.
What kinda boy lets a girl paint his nails and put a face mask on him and then just push her to the side? Surely he does this stuff cos he knows it will make me happy or maybe he’s just making a point. What point I don’t know but it’s obviously I great one. It’s all killing me cos he claims he’s not gonna be getting into a new relationship any time yet we are so good together why are we not together then. If he hasn’t been sleeping with other people like he says and neither have I…then that is basically a relationship. But I found condoms in his draw, there four, they looked that ones that the clinic had once given to me but I don’t know that. I’m pretty sure the clinics in London give out Durex and these ones weren’t, they were the ones that I get given at uni. I do remember giving a bunch cos I’ve got a new lot now. I don’t know what to do. As much as I want to I can’t trust him, nothing about what we’re doing is permanent and I can’t let myself get too comfortable around him cos at any moment he’ll be someone else and I’ll have to watch from the sidelines.
Though I dunno…he might be on this website talking to loads of girls but he doesn’t seem to have any of their numbers or anything cos like his phone never seems to go off when I’m with him, though that could be cos he just hasn’t like replied. But I swiped down on his phone to see any like unopened messages (iPhone) and there were none. I could have just looked on his phone cos I know his password but I’m tryna to be a crazy, jealous, ex stalker…but we all know I am exactly that. There are just so many things that confuse me about this kid…I dunno what to do like… Maybe I’ll ask him the next time I’m drunk and have some confidence and can blame it on the alcohol.
But honestly…is he just playing a really good game? I’ve told him I think he’s playing games and he denied it and said why would he do that blah blah blah…but that’s what anyone would say. WHY CAN’T I READ MINDS!!!!!????
Wow long post sorrryyyyyy!!
So I posted not long ago that I was in a pretty good mood from Valentine’s Day and all and now I’m sorta left in limbo cos I don’t know where I stand again. So I sorta decided that for me not get hurt and stuff I should stop stalking Zack but that lasted about 7 seconds and I went stalking him on POF again and he had been online but not recently from what I had seen. Then I checked again and his profile had gone and so I went looking for him and he had changed his intent to “Dating but nothing serious” how can you from talking to me all day at work on Valentine’s Day to deciding he wants to start dating. I was really starting to think that he still liked me but nope. I just don’t get it. He makes plans with me in the far future like Disneyland and just hanging out over Easter and yet he’s out there looking for vagina to date. Why do that? Maybe I am a back up…like if he doesn’t find a girl on POF then he knows I’m here to have sex with him and the worst thing is I will. I have needs…it’s been like 2 weeks and I’m starting to go crazy. Any normal person would have just given up but I’m here yo-yoing all over the place while he’s stabling walking across the tight-rope.
URGH…somebody help…what are his motives?? Should I just attempt to go cold turkey and not speak to him??
What is the point of me listening to Zack and anything he ever says when chances are he’s a lying little liar who will say anything to make himself look good.
What is the point of him being on a dating website if he doesn’t want to be with anyone or think he’s gonna last…it’s not fun to get but I guess it must be fun to be the one who’s doing the hurting
What is the point of me even talking to him anymore…I always think I’m fine and then sit here upset. What if I never get over him and he’s clearly over me…looking for girls on plenty of fish and whatever.
I dunno what it is but I went so long being angry at Zack and then the anger fizzled out and I just started like caring again. Like he’s hurt me so much yet I’m still here.
So basically I got Tinder and was swiping no a lot and then I saw his brother and was OMG OMG OMG!! I didn’t think his brother would come but then he lives in a city quite near to my uni. So the girls on my floor swiped yes on him and we actually matched!!!! I think he must have recognised my face or name told Zack and Zack told him to swipe yes on me and see what happened cos he unmatched me when I didn’t talk to him. And then Zack called me the same night at like 1am when he has work and has to be up at like 7. But whatever. The convo got so we started talking about random stuff like how we were and stuff then convo changed to him somehow and how he doesn’t think he’s ever gonna like be with someone long term and stuff. And how he doesn’t think he’ll ever be in love. Was kinda awkward like I loved him and he was the first one to say “love you” and stuff like that like I would have never said if he hadn’t have said it first. Though he did always sorta pause a bit when he said which makes sense.
I’m scared his playing silly mind games with me and I just need to back the fuck out before I end up hurt some more…but like I said…maybe I like getting.
And Tinder is so useless ! I’ve matched two nice guys but I’m so shy that I don’t want to start a convo and so they just sorta unmatch me…which sucks…
So last night I went out with my uni pals and it was meant to be a great night I was so excited and everything and then they all started bashing Zack and then it just took a turn for the worst. I dunno but I just got so upset…probs cos I was pretty drunk. Then when we went out I wasn’t really enjoying myself and then someone asked me what was wrong and I just started crying. Like I honestly feel like this guy has too much control over my happiness and it’s just not fair. I know I’m not on his mind the way he’s on mine. And he doesn’t get upset in the same way…probs not at all. It’s clear that from the sex he has no feelings for me at all and I still have feelings for him. I dunno he was acting distant cos maybe I was acting distant…but I feel like I wasn’t. I did ask him to get out of me almost straight away which I wouldn’t usually have said but like what was I meant to say. Let’s have a cuddle like old times?? *sigh*
My friend Tina kept going on about how he still loves me and shit but I don’t think he ever did. If he did he wouldn’t have started texting his ex as a back up and he would have tried to work things out, but he didn’t he took the easy way cos I’m not worth it I guess and yeah that hearts. I just don’t know how we went from that great weekend to breaking up…well I do…but it was so drastic and that why I think I can’t fully take it all in. I still love him and I guess maybe it sucks that he doesn’t love me back… Sometimes I feel like I want to just tell him how I feel but what is the point…he doesn’t care how I feel and he would never understand he doesn’t have feelings like that, so I just keep my plight to myself and every now and again break down.
I’m not looking forward to Valentines Day at all cos my flat is just full of couples and I can’t be aaaaaasked with all the romance and lovey dovey crap I’m probs gonna have to deal with!!!! AH WELL…one day someone will love me.
So I’m back from Zack’s!!! We watched a film ate some snacks it was cute and then we had sex!!!! But the sex wasn’t what I had expected at all. There was no passion at all…foreplay was minimal….a few strokes of the vagina the he sorta just went in for it. No kissing no nothing I expected at least some kissing but nope. Like I felt like he didn’t really wanna touch me during sex…like he didn’t wanna get to physical and stuff so he was holding back…there were times when it was good but then there were times when I could tell he just wasnt in it anymore and that sucked. I wonder if he felt it?? Probs not knowing him…he just wanted to get his dick wet and he did…mission complete…
I still have feelings for him and like we are so different now…I guess I’m more confident and a bit more outgoing with him and stuff than I was before. And we still flirt and laugh and have a good time…I dunno if the sex is gonna ruin it or not…I just wanna cuddle him but that’s never gonna happen. I am starting to feel like I’ve maybe made a slight mistake…urgh this is all so confusing it was just meant to be sex
Oh yeah and he didn’t even check if I was on the pill or not…like he asked if I wanted him to cum inside me or outside and I said inside but he doesn’t know I could have been lying tryna get pregnant and have his kids and he just trusted me no questions asked…weird