So it’s been a while since I posted. And I didn’t say I was gonna speak on different topics and stuff and I hopefully will. I’ve just wanted a bit of time to myself I guess to reflect and all that jazz that grown up do.
So Zack and I are actually really good in terms of our friendship…yes we still have sex but we’re just friends. I don’t quite know how I feel about him whether I want to be friends or more but I haven’t wanted to burst into tears and cry about this shitty behaviour which is always good I guess.
I’ve been on tinder and it’s been awful. I’m not looking for a new relationship just someone to chill with and everyone is just sexed crazed it’s not a great situation but I will persist I guess.
So it would seem like no one is really reading my blog anymore. And fair enough I guess. I write about the same thing with very little change. If it’s boring for me boy it must be boring for you guys. So I’ve decided that I’m gonna start writing about topics that are important to me. I will obviously being talking about my pathetic love life but not as much.
I may post something again today I may not but I’m just letting you know the deal.
So what has happened since I last posted like last month. Nothing new. As ever Zack has been acting so bi polar with me I just don’t know what to make of it anymore. So I went to his house and was in his room and I found an opened condom wrapper in this bag. He’d obviously slept with someone else…which he said he wasn’t gonna. I mean yeah at least he used a condom but thats not the point the point is she slept with someone and the lied to me saying he couldn’t remember when it was probably like 2 weeks (if that) before we slept together the start of May. So I found it it was one of his exes…probably the ex that he was talking to…or he lied about not really talking to his exes other than me. More lies!
Anyways I saw him last week Monday and yes we had (the best sex we’ve ever had…but not the point) and we were cuddling after and stuff and I asked him how long this sex thing was gonna go on for and he said probably until I decide to see someone else. So 1. We’re seeing each other but less than a month ago you were fucking another girl. Right? 2. Doesn’t he get that I can’t allow myself to move on. I don’t want new pain. At least the pain he causes me is familiar and expected so it doesn’t phase me like a new person would. He’s wounded so much the pain seems to just be part of our relationship…whatever that might be. 3. I don’t really wanna admit but I’m kinda waiting around for him to see how great I am. Which is dumb cos I’ve been around for this long and if he can’t see it then why should I try and convince him??
So anyways back to last Monday. We were cuddling and I was asking him questions tryna see where it was I stood with him and he was saying how he wasn’t gonna get into a new relationship cos he was too busy. And half the stuff he said seemed pretty genuine. Then his phone rang and it was this girl that I know he’s been texting for a while. I hate him! I admit that of course I’m jealous, I still see him as my property though he as proved that he is defo not. And he’s always texting her, he’s always on WhatsApp and I can hardly get a reply a day. Kmt. What is the point. Lately he’s been on POF and another social networking site. And yet he never seems to have the time to reply to me but he can reply to random sluts. Cool.
I’m being a bit of a hypocrite cos I am talking to other boys and like two weeks I went out with some friends I kissed this guy and we swapped numbers. We haven’t spoken in a week though and I’m not gonna text him first again. Nope. Then I had a party and invited Zack and he brought friend along (can’t remember his name) anyways Zack was acting so weird I couldn’t be bother with him so I guess I started flirting with Ray. (For those who have read this blog from the start you may remember Ray, I was basically in love with him) anyways after the party ended Ray and I ended up in bed together just like old times. We kissed cuddled and shit and played with each other…;). And i kinda felt bad but why should I’m single right? Anyways we were gonna have sex but I heard my mum and brother so rolled off of him and we just went to sleep. Then two days later I has my legs wide open for Zack…urgh!!!!
Anyways why am I at the end of my tether?? I’ve told Zack that he’s annoying me and he hasn’t replied yet he’s watched my snapchat…the mobile device does ONE THING!! why can’t he reply! GOSH It’s obviously not that important…whatever. Im meant to be seeing him tomorrow who knows if that’s gonna happen. Anyways sorry about the long post it doesn’t even make much sense.
I’m gonna start blogging about more serious stuff like what’s been going on in the news and stuff. My life doesn’t revolve around boys…though would never have guessed from all the posts. I hope you guys like the new stuff I have to write about cos even I’m getting bored of Zack can only imagine how you guys feel!!!
Hey Hey Hey, so I haven’t been posting very often Im so bugged down by uni work it’s just hard to juggle blogging and writing in my diary…I’m tryna do both now, but one always gets more love than the other but I’m working on it.
So I went home this week for a little celebration and it was all fun and games I really enjoyed it, I got a bit of work done for uni but not much. Then I went to see Zack, and for the first time since we broke up I stayed the night. He always seems to ask if I’m staying, and I never usually do cos it’s just awkward right. But I decided to stay the night and see how it went. And it went alright! Im confused as ever but that’s nothing new when it comes to us. I just don’t understand what he’s playing at. He’s a completely different person when I’m with him. he’s sweet he acts like he cares about me and then I’m gone it’s like he couldn’t forget who I was quick enough. He spends more of an effort interacting with girls on this online website than he does with me. Apparently they’re more appealing that the girl he keeps having sex with. He confused the fuck out of me while we were having sex, we were kinda dirty talking and mentioned how wet I was or something like that. Then I responded and he either said “I love it” or “I love you.” It was so mumbled that I actually cannot tell you which one it was but that seriously fucked me up. I think he probably said I love it cos please his actions are not of someone who loves me at all. I dunno what to make of it all cos they say actions speak louder than words but his actions contradict his actions.
What kinda boy lets a girl paint his nails and put a face mask on him and then just push her to the side? Surely he does this stuff cos he knows it will make me happy or maybe he’s just making a point. What point I don’t know but it’s obviously I great one. It’s all killing me cos he claims he’s not gonna be getting into a new relationship any time yet we are so good together why are we not together then. If he hasn’t been sleeping with other people like he says and neither have I…then that is basically a relationship. But I found condoms in his draw, there four, they looked that ones that the clinic had once given to me but I don’t know that. I’m pretty sure the clinics in London give out Durex and these ones weren’t, they were the ones that I get given at uni. I do remember giving a bunch cos I’ve got a new lot now. I don’t know what to do. As much as I want to I can’t trust him, nothing about what we’re doing is permanent and I can’t let myself get too comfortable around him cos at any moment he’ll be someone else and I’ll have to watch from the sidelines.
Though I dunno…he might be on this website talking to loads of girls but he doesn’t seem to have any of their numbers or anything cos like his phone never seems to go off when I’m with him, though that could be cos he just hasn’t like replied. But I swiped down on his phone to see any like unopened messages (iPhone) and there were none. I could have just looked on his phone cos I know his password but I’m tryna to be a crazy, jealous, ex stalker…but we all know I am exactly that. There are just so many things that confuse me about this kid…I dunno what to do like… Maybe I’ll ask him the next time I’m drunk and have some confidence and can blame it on the alcohol.
But honestly…is he just playing a really good game? I’ve told him I think he’s playing games and he denied it and said why would he do that blah blah blah…but that’s what anyone would say. WHY CAN’T I READ MINDS!!!!!????
Wow long post sorrryyyyyy!!
So I’ve been reading some post from a blogger called Seriously Single In Sydney and Im so jealous of their dating life! I just wanna get back out there and date and be treated all cute and stuff. The worst thing is the last “date” I went on with this Zach and it was super cute. We went to a dessert parlour which he paid for…its pretty cheap but it was a nice guested (though I did have a bitch about how I spend money to go and see him and stuff.) But anyways I got a waffle and he got apple pie and we shared a milkshake. He’s so confused the milkshake came with one straw and he looked like he was have kittens…he was like “we need another straw” I just laughed and said “I’ve had worse in my mouth than your saliva.” Silly boy…I’ve had his penis in my mouth !!
But it was cute and then we left and went back to his and got into bed…yes we had sex. It wasn’t as passionate as the time before but this time I decided to kiss him and he kissed me back! I was so worried that he was gonna pull away or something. But nope. I guess always it was very passionate cos I was on top most of the time, which was new! After 1 year and 4 months of sexing I was on top for more than 5 minutes!
So after I tried to play it cool but he just stayed on top of me for a while then rolled over and made me cuddle him. WHY DOES HE KEEP DOING THAT. Then we started talking just about stuff and about having kids and marriage. And I remember he was so against getting married when we started seeing each other and then he said that one day he would want to! Who is the bitch that changed his mind. Then I said I wouldn’t want to have his babies and he was like “why do you keep hurting my feelings” and I was like “do you want me to have your kids?” and he gave me this weird look and said “I don’t deserve for you to have my children” and then went back to normal and said “and I’m not ready for kids anyway.” SO MUCH MIND FUCK!!!
It’s those kind of things that make me wanna stick around and see what happens between us, cos sometimes I really do think that we might get back together but then I think really. I just wish I had met him after uni…I think it would have worked out.
Why do I keep doing this to myself. I know he doesn’t give a fuck about me yet I’m still here. On the sideline. He puts stupid strangers before me. Like all these girls on social media he talks to yet he doesn’t make any effort to talk to me anymore. I told him to tell me when he was free and I’ve had NOTHING from him. If he doesn’t get at me before Sunday then I’m just not going to see him cos I don’t have any means of getting to his area. And if he decides to call me after asking me why I didn’t come to see him, he’s gonna get so sassed it’s not. I doubt he’d even remember that I was meant to see him so yeah…whatever I really wish I didn’t love him anymore cos letting him go would be so much easier but apparently not. I wish I was him, just move on from me easily. Every time I think I’m ok…but I’m obviously not. It’s just not fair. Why did I have to fall in love with a dick!!!!!
So I did it. I messaged Zack confronting him about him not speaking to me. (I sound so childish I know) So anyways he called me and I was so icy with him. He asked me if I really thought he was like that and I told him that I honestly did and I think very little of him. He said he’ll changed that. Then we were talking just about how life is going for each of us and we started talking about having babies and then he said something like “Im not ready to have a kid yet. Maybe when I find the right person” those words hurt so much. I love him so much yet he has no feelings for me what so ever. We were so good together but obviously not that good. I still think we would be great together but what does it matter what I think. It takes two people to have a relationship and Im obviously not the right person. 😦