The New Guy

So I’ve been talking to this guy that I matched on Tinder. And he seemed nice…normal conversation and that. Not like really attractive but nothing awful to look at. So last night he called me to explain how at 20 years of age he hadn’t had a relationship longer than 1 month. And he keeps going out with girls who are like 16/17…he’s 20. These girls can’t even drink legally like Jesus. But whatever that’s his opinion. The convo was going well and then he started talking about sex and stuff and he how he’s tryna be like proper Christian so he doesn’t wanna have sex now. I was like “wow” so I asked him how long he was gonna wait if he got into a relationship and he was like “2-3 years” my jaw actually dropped!!! YEAR! For someone who hasn’t lasted in a relationship longer than 1 month don’t you think thats asking for a bit much?? And then he proceeded to tell me that he can’t kiss his girlfriend, touch her sexual or anything! That means foreplay is out of the question! ARE YOU MAD!!!?? Like that’s basically a friendship…and he sound thats what his pastor said. He pastor can tell him he can’t do anything and what does his pastor know about all of this right now…he’s married he can go and fuck his wife till he turns blue in the face. This is what I don’t agree with in Christianity…like taking the bible literally is just not feasible in my opinion. For so many reason. How am I mean to take something seriously when it has a million different version. And a million different sects. Christianity as a religion is so fragmented…all these different versions of the bible were translated and written to suit the need to the ruler at the time…so for me to take the bible word for word I think is silly because the bible was defo written with an agenda..but again this is all my opinion.

But talking to this guy just made me realise how much I wanted to be with Zack still. We just go each other and like yeah…even though he makes my blood boil at the best of times…he still gets me but ugh lemme not go into it.

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Heartbreak Hotel

So Zack actually didn’t come, I didn’t expect him to though so I’m not actually that disappointed. Last night/this morning we had a chat it wasn’t very long but it was one of the hardest things I had to go through.

So basically on Halloween I sent him a message about me not being happy with him and stuff and I might have over exaggerated a lil bit. I might have said that sometimes he makes me feel like shit and then his response was “maybe we’re better off not being together” that broke my heart. The first time I’ve ever said anything to him about how I feel and he just suggests ending the relationship. Like he didn’t even wanna try and fix it, but we chatted and he said some really surprising things like…how he thinks that I just wanna be friends with him and stuff. I don’t know where he got that from cos I thought that I’d always made my feelings…my very strong feelings, clear but obviously not. Now all day all I’ve been thinking about is our brief conversation. I really wanna call him again and talk just to talk since he’s not here and maybe attempt to resolve the issue that we have but I don’t wanna like yah know over crowd him. Though in my defence he’s meant to be here so I’m kind of owed some him time right?

It hadn’t helped that my friends have again resorted to ignoring me and my problems because it suits them…it’s very clear that I am upset but no one has made any attempt to actually find out what’s wrong. They’re all too occupied with their precious little lives to help me out, and yah know what…fair play to them…but the next time one of them has a break down or is feeling down…guess who isn’t going to care…that’s right MEEEE!

But back to my relationship. Long distance is so much harder this year, it wasn’t this made in the first year but I guess we grew stronger/closer during the summer…I’m not gonna see him for two weeks more…that’s one month…I would have seen him twice in two months…that’s not healthy considering we live within visiting distance of each other…even if it isn’t convenient. But I’m scared that we’re not going to make it through this year…let alone my third. I don’t want what we have to end…but I’m scared that we’re going to hit some more bumps and not get over it. I don’t want that to happen. He’s the first guy I’ve ever had sex with and had feelings for at the same time. I was hoping he’d be the last – even if I’ve said before I wish I had more penises to experiment with. I don’t wanna have to build up trust with someone new. I’m still working on trusting him and getting comfortable with him so I don’t wanna have to do that with anyone else…ever.

It’s really killing me that he should be here and he’s not…well I’ve made my bed so I might as well lie in it right…

???

I spent a good few minutes trying to think of a title for this post and came up with nothing. I just don’t know what to call it, I’m so confused and everything so I guess the question marks kinda represent that.

So basically my boyfriend was meant to be coming down to see me tomorrow but like a few days ago he started just annoying me with like really late replies and he mentioned that the tickets hand’t arrived and like if they didn’t come he wouldn’t come and so I prepared myself for him not come and stuff. I guess I just got really stroppy with him and like he took like 26 hours to reply to a message and then read a message I sent him in like 10 minutes and didn’t reply and it was pretty clear from the message that I was upset with him and I just wanted him to ask why and stuff…show he cared yah know. But nope, so I had like an emotional cry, it was awful, and then the next day I was so still upset so I sent him a message telling him not to bother coming to see me cos I wasn’t in the mood to see. He called me and told me I’d pissed him off by saying that and shit so long story short, he’s not coming so, tickets gone to waste…

But we didn’t really resolve the issue and I called him before I went out so I could talk to him and he sorted just skated around the topic and then told me he had something to do and hanged up. Like whenever I’m upset he never really solves the issue just brushes it under the carpet. Well there is a lot of shit under that carpet now and I wanna resolve it!! So i sent him a message last night while I was sobering up and it basically just explained how I feel like he doesn’t really care about me and stuff and yeah I’m hoping to see him in like two weeks. Though I really wish he was coming tomorrow but I’ve made my bed so now I have to lie in it I guess.

It is what is it.

Back To Reality

I can never be happy for more than a few days it would seem. So it was Zack’s birthday like last week and I called him and shit and we chatted for a bit and shit and then it took him 2 days after that to reply to my message that I sent…and for the past few days I’ve gotten 2 replies from him a day…like how is that ok…I’ve been with him on several occasions and his phone has gone off and he’s replied like super speedy. He’s even proved that he reads my messages and just leaves them there cos when I saw him I messaged him saying i was on my way but he didn’t read it and then he was like “you got here quickly” meaning he saw it pop up and just left it there…which didn’t matter cos that situation didn’t really call for a reply.

What’s really grinding my gears is that he just doesn’t seem to care…like I’ll have the most depressing status and he will not bat an eyelid and ask me what’s wrong yet these annoying bots are so quick to ask me what’s wrong. Like he’s meant to be my boyfriend but he really doesn’t act like it and it hurts I guess cos I obviously care more than he does and it shows…I called him on his birthday…did I even get a text on mine…lol.

I’m So Confused!

Hey Hey Hey. So things are going well with me a Zack but I’m starting to panic. Like when I think about it, I’m 19 and he’s 22 and he might be the only guy I’m ever with again, and I love him but I still wanted that chance to just be a whore for a while and like there is this guy at work and I know he likes me and I kinda like him too and like I just want like a day to do stuff with him and shit but obvs there’s Zack, who I wanna be with forever he makes me so happy it’s unreal but I just wanna mess around. And long distance is just so not help this feeling.

I’m a bad person, but I just feel like I met him too young and if I were like 23 I would be so happy to settle down and just be happy for ever. URGHHHHHHHHH

Any advice??

A Conversation

Am I asking for too much? Like it is too much to want to have a decent convo with my boyfriend (I dunno still tbhh but lets call him that for ease)? I just want to go through a day where I can have proper conversation with him, not these stupid one message every 8 hours. I know this sounds sad but when we first started talking he I noticed that he used to message at roughly the same time each day until he got to work. I thought it was cute and a bit odd and then when the messages started getting later it was easier to notice cos I had picked up the pattern beforehand. 

What bugs me is that I know he’s with/on his phone and like when I went to see him he was stuck to his phone will I was laying next to him…yet when I’m not with him you’d think he rarely sees his phone. And what rattles me the post was that it was some girl he was talking to…obvs an old friend but still…I guess cos I don’t know any of his friends it’s just weird urgh…anyways yeah I’ve moaned at him before and he didn’t really change so what am I gonna do ey??

I Am So Confused It Hurts!

So ARGH! My head hurts so much…like so much…I’ve spend like 60% of my day, props more thinking about Ray and our past…like we’ve been messing around like over 8 months now…I don’t understand how you can consistently do that and not catch feelings it just doesn’t make any sense at all! Ah this just sucks cos I feel like I should tell him how I feel so that I feel a bit better about the situation but then I don’t want to make things awkward between us and I like the way things are…well kinda…I’m content I guess…but I was thinking back to all the time we’ve done stuff and like the first few times it was just casual…not heat not emotions and then (I don’t know where) but it slowly started to get more deep…I dunno if he felt that but I know I did…but who knows?  Well actually someone does know but I don’t wanna know impose and I don’t wanna know the truth fully cos I guess I already have an idea in my head but when someone confirms it, it makes it so much worse cos you can’t escape from the fact. 

Anyways I’m so tired yah don’t understand! Got work to do!