It’s Like A Stab To The Heart

So I did it. I messaged Zack confronting him about him not speaking to me. (I sound so childish I know) So anyways he called me and I was so icy with him. He asked me if I really thought he was like that and I told him that I honestly did and I think very little of him. He said he’ll changed that. Then we were talking just about how life is going for each of us and we started talking about having babies and then he said something like “Im not ready to have a kid yet. Maybe when I find the right person” those words hurt so much. I love him so much yet he has no feelings for me what so ever. We were so good together but obviously not that good. I still think we would be great together but what does it matter what I think. It takes two people to have a relationship and Im obviously not the right person. 😦

Everything Has Changed

So it’s been a while since I last posted and wow has so much changed. Like two weeks ago I went to Zack and yes we had sex. And we made chocolate covered strawberries which he fed me. The sex was so much better than the first time which was so awkward. This time there was foreplay and we kissed and it was so passionate and then he gave me a hug just like the first hug he ever gave me. I went back to uni and we spoke and it was all fine and then I might have called him an ‘arrogant little shit’ and he didn’t reply and we haven’t spoken since then. He’s watched my snapchats so he knows I’m home yet he hasn’t made any effort to speak to me, yet he’s constantly on social media networks talking to all these new girls tryna find a new girlfriend. I just feel like I’ve been dropped and that I was this back up and now he’s done what he wanted with me and now I’m just another one of his girls that he’s fucked and ducked. URGH. I just want him to know how I feel but I refuse to talk to him first so I’m just sitting here stewing going crazy while he doesn’t have a care in the world!!!! ITS NOT FAAAAAAAAIR

Though there is this guy on Tinder that I’ve been talking to…lets call him Harry. And we have so much in common we both wanna work in the media and we like doing that stuff. We could be the next media industry power couple! HAHA!!!! I really wanna meet up with him and see if he’s the guy I really hope that he is. Cos I just like want something to take my mind of Zack.

What Does It All Mean?

Hey Hey Peeps,

So I haven’t posted for about a week but with good reason. It was my birthday last week and I had an awesome party, got super drunk was cray! Anyways so Zack actually called me on my birthday and we spoke and shit and it was cool. Then I did a classic me and called him drunk and asked him when he gets a new girlfriend what will happen to our friendship? Will we stop talking and shit. And he was like how he just wouldn’t tell her!! That’s lying!! How many girls out there are happy with guys talking to their especially if they’ve spent time with each other outside of their relationship AND had sex?!?!?! NONE! NOT ONE! And so I remember telling him that I didn’t trust him anymore and this was proof as to why. And he got a bit defensive and was like how we would have this convo when I was sober. Has not happened yet…He also said I looked sexy…which was true. I looked GOOOOOOD!!!

But I think he’s talking to a girl he likes from plenty of fish cos he hasn’t been on in a while which must mean that he’s found a girl he seems to like right?? Which leads me to my next question…why does he still want to see me…I’m going home next week and I asked if he wanted a visit from me and his words were “I would love one” that really through me…a simple yes would have been ok. But nope he wants to be all weird. Then I asked/told him he was gonna make me the chocolate strawberries he promised me and he said maybe. But like he if he is talking to another girl why does he still wanna see me…are we still gonna have sex…cos Im kinda banking on it tbhh. Or maybe he’s given up on POF and is just gonna live his life?? I doubt it. But what does that mean for our Disneyland trip!! He can’t have a girlfriend till after Disneyland! I wanna have sex in Paris!!!! So long…I might bring this all up when I see him next week…sounds like a plan to meeeeeeee.

The New Guy

So I’ve been talking to this guy that I matched on Tinder. And he seemed nice…normal conversation and that. Not like really attractive but nothing awful to look at. So last night he called me to explain how at 20 years of age he hadn’t had a relationship longer than 1 month. And he keeps going out with girls who are like 16/17…he’s 20. These girls can’t even drink legally like Jesus. But whatever that’s his opinion. The convo was going well and then he started talking about sex and stuff and he how he’s tryna be like proper Christian so he doesn’t wanna have sex now. I was like “wow” so I asked him how long he was gonna wait if he got into a relationship and he was like “2-3 years” my jaw actually dropped!!! YEAR! For someone who hasn’t lasted in a relationship longer than 1 month don’t you think thats asking for a bit much?? And then he proceeded to tell me that he can’t kiss his girlfriend, touch her sexual or anything! That means foreplay is out of the question! ARE YOU MAD!!!?? Like that’s basically a friendship…and he sound thats what his pastor said. He pastor can tell him he can’t do anything and what does his pastor know about all of this right now…he’s married he can go and fuck his wife till he turns blue in the face. This is what I don’t agree with in Christianity…like taking the bible literally is just not feasible in my opinion. For so many reason. How am I mean to take something seriously when it has a million different version. And a million different sects. Christianity as a religion is so fragmented…all these different versions of the bible were translated and written to suit the need to the ruler at the time…so for me to take the bible word for word I think is silly because the bible was defo written with an agenda..but again this is all my opinion.

But talking to this guy just made me realise how much I wanted to be with Zack still. We just go each other and like yeah…even though he makes my blood boil at the best of times…he still gets me but ugh lemme not go into it.

I Don’t Even Know

So I’ve started this post without a title in mind cos I sorta don’t know where it going yah know. But yeah basically I don’t know where my brain is.

So Zack’s gone off on holiday with his dad and his dad’s girlfriend…so he says…though I’m obvs a bit apprehensive about him lying to me cos I feel like he does it all the time. He had a picture on snapchat on him in a room…a villa room or something an there was a female foot in the picture…I mean yeah it could be his dad’s girlfriend but it could be someone else…a girl…who is his friend…but then I decided to stalk and so I went on his POF and saw that he was online. So he can’t be with a girl if he’s still on POF right? Or maybe he’s doing it cos he knows I know and he’s tryna throw me off the scent?? Maybe I’m overthinking things I dunno. But he called me the night before was going and he said he was gonna call me when he was in his hotel room but then it was like 3am and I had a class the next morning and then he said he didn’t have any reception in his hotel room or some crap. But anyways moving on…while he was at the airport he sent me a picture of a Mickey Mouse jumper and I was like “OMG buy for it please!!” and then he was like what size and shit. Why would he offer to buy me something now that we’re not together I wouldn’t expect Jay to buy me something like that and I’ve known him since year 7…age 12ish. Urgh he really knows how to confuse my brain!!!!

It’s annoying cos I don’t wanna be with him (though I do) but I don’t wanna be with someone else. Like I matched this guy on tinder and like he seemed nice then he started talking about sex and linking and the thought of having sex with anyone new just makes me feel all weird. Which is annoying cos I know he doesn’t feel weird at all. The fact that I’d known him for like an hour (if that) also made me feel weird. But I don’t wanna have sex with anyone new. It’s like my vagina is still ina relationship with him and the rest of my body is not…URGH why is all so complicated!! Why won’t my heart just heal!!!

Probs cos Im still talking him…but not talking to him makes me sad and unhappy. And talking to him doesn’t do much for me either so really it’s a lose lose situation. Which such so much.

Well I had nice little rant which is always good. We all know I’ll go running back to him soon…though he comes running back to me too…well in my head…urgh I hate boys I swear.

I Just Don’t Understand

So I posted not long ago that I was in a pretty good mood from Valentine’s Day and all and now I’m sorta left in limbo cos I don’t know where I stand again. So I sorta decided that for me not get hurt and stuff I should stop stalking Zack but that lasted about 7 seconds and I went stalking him on POF again and he had been online but not recently from what I had seen. Then I checked again and his profile had gone and so I went looking for him and he had changed his intent to “Dating but nothing serious” how can you from talking to me all day at work on Valentine’s Day to deciding he wants to start dating. I was really starting to think that he still liked me but nope. I just don’t get it. He makes plans with me in the far future like Disneyland and just hanging out over Easter and yet he’s out there looking for vagina to date. Why do that? Maybe I am a back up…like if he doesn’t find a girl on POF then he knows I’m here to have sex with him and the worst thing is I will. I have needs…it’s been like 2 weeks and I’m starting to go crazy. Any normal person would have just given up but I’m here yo-yoing all over the place while he’s stabling walking across the tight-rope.

URGH…somebody help…what are his motives?? Should I just attempt to go cold turkey and not speak to him??

What I Did This Valentine’s Day

So I thought I would have a depressing valentines day with a tub of ice cream and my sad thoughts but I actually had a really nice Valentine’s. And it was kinda cos of Zack. We spent basically two hours on the phone just talking and having a laugh. Like he makes me laugh and I make him laugh, we’re an odd pair. We spoke about him and his broken life basically and relationships and stuff and none of it seemed awkward. I guess he was more honest with me…though I kinda new some of the stuff anyways. But yeah it was nice to just have a chat to him. I obviously still care about him even if he doesn’t care about me in the same way but it is what is it. We also discussed going to Disneyland in the summer and we just joked about doing loads of romantic stuff like rose petals on the bed and dinners and stuff. It would be nice to go to Disneyland but I doubt it will happen. I mean imagine if he gets a girlfriend and he tells her he’s going to Disneyland PARIS with his ex. No girl would be ok with that no matter what they said. I know I wouldn’t. So I don’t wanna plan ahead too much we’ll see where we are in the summer. Next time I’m at home and I go and see him he said he’d make me chocolate covered strawberries cos I made them last night and sent him a picture of it. We are seriously a confused pair of people. I am worried that he’s doing all of this so I won’t move on and I’ll always be there as his sort of safety net but I’m trying to to worry too much about it. I don’t think we’ll ever get back together but if I can just learn to trust him and he learn to be more honest we’d be great friends.