So it’s been a while since I last posted and wow has so much changed. Like two weeks ago I went to Zack and yes we had sex. And we made chocolate covered strawberries which he fed me. The sex was so much better than the first time which was so awkward. This time there was foreplay and we kissed and it was so passionate and then he gave me a hug just like the first hug he ever gave me. I went back to uni and we spoke and it was all fine and then I might have called him an ‘arrogant little shit’ and he didn’t reply and we haven’t spoken since then. He’s watched my snapchats so he knows I’m home yet he hasn’t made any effort to speak to me, yet he’s constantly on social media networks talking to all these new girls tryna find a new girlfriend. I just feel like I’ve been dropped and that I was this back up and now he’s done what he wanted with me and now I’m just another one of his girls that he’s fucked and ducked. URGH. I just want him to know how I feel but I refuse to talk to him first so I’m just sitting here stewing going crazy while he doesn’t have a care in the world!!!! ITS NOT FAAAAAAAAIR
Though there is this guy on Tinder that I’ve been talking to…lets call him Harry. And we have so much in common we both wanna work in the media and we like doing that stuff. We could be the next media industry power couple! HAHA!!!! I really wanna meet up with him and see if he’s the guy I really hope that he is. Cos I just like want something to take my mind of Zack.
I dunno what it is but I went so long being angry at Zack and then the anger fizzled out and I just started like caring again. Like he’s hurt me so much yet I’m still here.
So basically I got Tinder and was swiping no a lot and then I saw his brother and was OMG OMG OMG!! I didn’t think his brother would come but then he lives in a city quite near to my uni. So the girls on my floor swiped yes on him and we actually matched!!!! I think he must have recognised my face or name told Zack and Zack told him to swipe yes on me and see what happened cos he unmatched me when I didn’t talk to him. And then Zack called me the same night at like 1am when he has work and has to be up at like 7. But whatever. The convo got so we started talking about random stuff like how we were and stuff then convo changed to him somehow and how he doesn’t think he’s ever gonna like be with someone long term and stuff. And how he doesn’t think he’ll ever be in love. Was kinda awkward like I loved him and he was the first one to say “love you” and stuff like that like I would have never said if he hadn’t have said it first. Though he did always sorta pause a bit when he said which makes sense.
I’m scared his playing silly mind games with me and I just need to back the fuck out before I end up hurt some more…but like I said…maybe I like getting.
And Tinder is so useless ! I’ve matched two nice guys but I’m so shy that I don’t want to start a convo and so they just sorta unmatch me…which sucks…
So I had a dream last night and it was about Zack. It was about this guy that lives in my building. I keep joking about having sex with him cos I haven’t sex ina while. But now I think I might be falling for him. Though I don’t know him well enough to say that I like him. But in my dream we were chilling and then he kissed me and it was a nice kiss apart from the fact that his lips felt weird then he said he likes me lil. What does this mean…am I starting to like him or just the idea of someone…I am quite lonely…urgh dreams are confusing
Apparently that is what I am…am mug. There are two main reasons why I’m a mug and the first one you can guess is Zack. The other are the people I live with.
So basically on SUNDAY 4th he said he was gonna call me and the he didn’t and then I get this message on my phone in the morning saying. “my battery was low and I wanted to save it for my alarm forgot to tell you” He doesn’t even work on Monday so what was he setting an alarm for…BULLSHIT. And when I sent the message to his phone it didn’t even send so his battery died anyway so that excuse was BULLSHIT. Then at like 9.20 he send me a text…after no contact all day saying he was gonna call me within in the hour so I better pick up…said hour passes…no phone call…I sent him a message at like 11.30…a whole TWO hours later saying “funny looking hour” and still no reply no text saying sorry. Like he keeps fucking me about like this. If you’re not gonna call don’t fucking say it. What is his problem honestly. I wonder what stupid excuse I’m gonna receive this morning. The fact that he can do this two nights in a row and not care shows how much he just doesn’t care about me to be honest, Im nothing to him anymore so why should he give a flying fuck. But me being the mug that I am will still try and make this friendship work. What is the point…I feel like Im just his back up in case some girl he’s talking to falls through.
So I basically spent most of the day in my room cos I just could not be bothered with them. And then I realised all my hair stuff and toothpaste and bar of soap and gone missing. And by the looks of it all their stuff is still there. So I went to twitter and had a little vent. And then I get a message in the group chat from one of them saying that I should email maintenance about it cos some of there stuff went missing too. Am I really gonna email about a few fucking toiletries?! But all my stuff was in cabinet which isn’t really that close to the wall they were tiling so please explain why they would have needed to be in there. I mean if they wanna play games…go ahead. And apparently they wanna talk to me and see how everything is and shit…is my door invisible fucking knock then instead of gathering in each others rooms to have a lil bitch session. GOSH…to be honest I’m very content with my own presence so I couldn’t care less.
So I’m back in hell. When I got back no one in the front room so I didn’t have any awkward encounters which was great!! But it’s just gonna awkward now cos like I just don’t like them very much. But tbhh I don’t care anymore. Ima just focus on getting SLIM bitches!!!
I keep thinking I wish Zack was here (and he actually coulda come with me today there were no barriers) but if he was here like he was meant to be then I wouldn’t really be in this problem cos I wouldn’t know that this is how they are. So yah know. Still wish he was here though cos I wanna cuddle.
I’ll report later if there is more to say.
So I’m off to uni soon. Just tidying my room up and I thought I’d post one more time while I’m feeling great and not wanting to kill myself or anything.
I’m really not looking forward to going back like I’m just gonna spend most of my time in room tryna do my work and at the gym. I’m hoping I can get a job and so that will keep me super busy as well. I just don’t want to be around people I can’t really trust and who don’t care. It’s that simple to be fair and I don’t think I’m overreacting, I’m being honest. I’ll tell you what went down when I arrive.
So it’s been like a day and half since Zack broke up with me and I guess I’m still adjusting to the idea of being just me and him being just him. We’re still texting and stuff so it’s kinda hard for me to properly move on I guess cos it still feels the same and I have to keep reminding myself that is really isn’t.
I think I can deal with that though…the thing I’m finding really hard to deal with is that I’m getting no support from the girls I live with…yet when one of them is upset moral support is handing to them by the bucket load…I don’t think I’ve ever felt more unwanted in my entire life. Zack didn’t want me and these girls don’t want me. I just wanna go home I guess…