So it’s almost 4am and I just can’t sleep! I’m gonna regret this tomorrow cos I have so much work to do but I just can’t stop thinking. And of course I’m thinking about Zack. Like I dunno…sometimes I think we’re good and that I’m moving on but then I also think/know I’m not. Like on his snapchat today I saw a snap of someone asleep and it looked like a girl…I am she looked kinda small looking but maybe that’s his new thing. I dunno…I guess I’m jealous.
I wanna be friends but he keeps complicating things…he keeps hinting at having sex and shit like that’s gonna ruin the friendship that is already awkward. Yah know. Like I am horny and I like sex with him but then I’m gonna become another girl…like I was the only girl he was meant to be sleeping with and I don’t wanna be one of many and I don’t wanna be the only one cos that’s a relationship and we are not in one.
Like I know I could have sex with someone else but then I have to go through the whole getting to know them and being confident around them and like I dunno if I want it to be casual or not…he was meant to be the one…but it happened. Right guy wrong timing…just like I feared. I don’t wanna sleep with another guy cos that will mean I’ve slept with 4 then and 4 is closer to the 5 and 5 is closer to 10. And I don’t wanna reach that. Maybe I just won’t have sex and this horny stage will pass.