So I turned up at his house and some guy was already at the door and it was so awkward! His brother told me he was in the shower so I went upstairs and sat on his bed feeling so awkward. Then he thought it was ok to come in naked though he put some boxers on and just say there semi naked! URGH. He was putting on his watch and I made a face and he let me wear it just like old times. Then went we left me and we were walking he put his arm around me and then I think he remembered and he gave it it quick squeeze then let go. In the cinema we were flirting a little though it was actually quite pack up (we watched Mockingjay Part 1) then he started texting during the film and I saw that it looked like his “cousin” that I caught him texting the first time. Like I was so angry like I felt so jealous even though we’re not together I just felt like why is he still texting her. No one texts their cousin of the opposite sex that much. But then I had to just calm down cos he can text whom ever he wishes…we’re not together anymore so he can so whatever he likes right? WRONG. But he’s still gonna do it so I might as well do what I want.

So anyways after the film we were walking about and he was like “do you wanna watch another film” and I was like “so now you wanna suggest another film when we’re half way out!!” So after we were walking and he was like “do you wanna go back to mine” and I was like in my head: only one thing is gonna come from this and I’m not quite ready for that. So I said no thanks but then my back kept hurting me and he was like “if you come back to mine I can sort that out” and that just means my clothes have to come off for a massage and then boom! SEX is happening! So anyways as I was on the train home I got a message from Zack saying how he can’t stop thinking about one of the nights that we had sex (i know what night he’s talking about) and that’s why he suggested that I come home with him and he was sorry if he made things harder on me. The only thing is made me so was realise how horny I was. Then we were talking about actually having sex and he was like how me not coming back with him was probs good cos it would be harder for me not to get attached again. I get what he was saying and it’s probs true but he thinks Im the fragile creature. I mean he was the only one who I’ve had feelings for that I’ve slept with but still ! Have some faith man!!!! But he said that if I decided I was ready we both know it would be amazing. Which is correct. Sex with him was so good. So so so so good. But I’m worried that I will get reattached cos like what will I do after? We can’t cuddle or kiss? Like what does one dooooooooo? Get dressed and leave? But then I’m just some any next female and that’s defo not what I am!!! I’m his friend, his ex, someone who he was meant to have cared about…

He claims to not have slept with anyone since we’ve broken…we both sorta asked each other subtly. Cos my back was hurting he was like “rah if that you moving on from me that quickly” and I was like “no. I’m not you” and he was like “what” and I was like “I haven’t moved on that quickly” “and he was like…but I have what makes you say that” and I said “cos you like sex blah blah” and he said “yeah when I have time to think about it.” I dunno if he’s saying he hasn’t slept with anyone or not. I mean I would like to know if he has cos then maybe I know that I could…I mean I would anyways. There’s thing guy I’m talking to and like maybe I could sex him. When I’m done with all my work I’ll give him a quick message see if he’s free to come see me more summin. Though I dunno if I actually want to have sex with him. Ugh this is far too complicated.

This is all far too confusing for my brain to handle! But I’m happy…for the time being…I’m in a good place right now I think Im actually going to be ok. Maybe a good cry was all I actually needed. I was honest with myself and my feelings and now I think I’m able to actually let go. And I think seeing him will become easier and the urge to grab him and kiss him will slowly go away…hopefully.

Wow what a long post.


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