So I had a dream last night and it was about Zack. It was about this guy that lives in my building. I keep joking about having sex with him cos I haven’t sex ina while. But now I think I might be falling for him. Though I don’t know him well enough to say that I like him. But in my dream we were chilling and then he kissed me and it was a nice kiss apart from the fact that his lips felt weird then he said he likes me lil. What does this mean…am I starting to like him or just the idea of someone…I am quite lonely…urgh dreams are confusing
So I’ve been a bit quiet lately, mainly cos I had so much uni work to hand in but I’m all done and I’m free to have fun and games and be happy and live! Woop. So what’s happened lately I hear you ask? Well nothing really…Zack and I haven’t actually texted each other in like a week. Which is the longest we’ve got without talking to each other ever…and it was weird and at first I felt like I he was with another girl and he just didn’t wanna talk to me in her presence, then I just didn’t get a reply and I just knew he didn’t wanna talk to me. Then my mind started racing and I started thinking about how much he’s hurt me and stuff and I was (and still sorta am) convinced he cheated on me and I just had a great cry and then like next day he called and we had like an hour chat about nothing basically. And he kept making lil comments about how he’s changed. It was silly little things like how he cleans up his flat and stuff but like doesn’t he get that it makes me think things. It would make any normal person think things…but he’s not normal so. I made a comment about him going to the gym and I asked him what he was gonna do and the conversation was so weird…like he doesn’t seem to know how to separate our past from our present and future friendship. I’ll show you how it went
Me: What you gonna do in the gym?
Me: You’re gonna do the whole gym?
Zack: Nah just all the girls [chuckles]
Me: [After a pause] You lil man whore
Zack: [Chuckles] Nah I’m joking, just you
MIND FUCK! Like we might as well just be together again but that’s not gonna work. And he told me how I’m gonna have so many orgasms when I see and him stuff. And he asked me when my train was and if it was on the same day and stuff like why would I stay over when we’re not together anymore…who does that??? So awkward! He confuses me…but I’m probs just over thinking stuff. I’m on my period right now and it better stop before next week cos I haven’t had sex in so long I might explode.
But should I have sex with him? Im so confused…I’m probs gonna make things worse for myself…
So what’s happened lately? Not a lot to be fair. Zack and I finally had a chat about what he wants and stuff and was beating around the bush but he finally said that he basically wants to be fuck buddies cos he’s still attracted to me and he doesn’t need to have sex with other people cos he doesn’t have to. Like it makes me think that he just wanted to be friends with me so he could keep having sex with me and stuff. I mean if he’d just said that front the start I probs woulda been like…erm fuck off…so he played it quite well I guess. So anyway I’m going home from university soon and I’m going to go and see him to get my early birthday present and maybe to have sex with me. It will probs happen. It’s been so long I’m doing pretty well I am super horny though like I was thinking about buying a dildo haha.
And OMG I could have had my first proper one night stand! I went out and I got with this guy and he was all over me but then I got in an argument and he left me for this potato looking girl…he downgraded. But I think it was a sign that he wasn’t meant to stick his penis in my vagina. But it was nice to kiss someone else other than Zack…I haven’t kissed anyone but him for a year! A whole year of just his lips on mine…and now I really do feel single like I can have fun again and still reap the benefits of his willy haha.
So it’s almost 4am and I just can’t sleep! I’m gonna regret this tomorrow cos I have so much work to do but I just can’t stop thinking. And of course I’m thinking about Zack. Like I dunno…sometimes I think we’re good and that I’m moving on but then I also think/know I’m not. Like on his snapchat today I saw a snap of someone asleep and it looked like a girl…I am she looked kinda small looking but maybe that’s his new thing. I dunno…I guess I’m jealous.
I wanna be friends but he keeps complicating things…he keeps hinting at having sex and shit like that’s gonna ruin the friendship that is already awkward. Yah know. Like I am horny and I like sex with him but then I’m gonna become another girl…like I was the only girl he was meant to be sleeping with and I don’t wanna be one of many and I don’t wanna be the only one cos that’s a relationship and we are not in one.
Like I know I could have sex with someone else but then I have to go through the whole getting to know them and being confident around them and like I dunno if I want it to be casual or not…he was meant to be the one…but it happened. Right guy wrong timing…just like I feared. I don’t wanna sleep with another guy cos that will mean I’ve slept with 4 then and 4 is closer to the 5 and 5 is closer to 10. And I don’t wanna reach that. Maybe I just won’t have sex and this horny stage will pass.
Apparently that is what I am…am mug. There are two main reasons why I’m a mug and the first one you can guess is Zack. The other are the people I live with.
So basically on SUNDAY 4th he said he was gonna call me and the he didn’t and then I get this message on my phone in the morning saying. “my battery was low and I wanted to save it for my alarm forgot to tell you” He doesn’t even work on Monday so what was he setting an alarm for…BULLSHIT. And when I sent the message to his phone it didn’t even send so his battery died anyway so that excuse was BULLSHIT. Then at like 9.20 he send me a text…after no contact all day saying he was gonna call me within in the hour so I better pick up…said hour passes…no phone call…I sent him a message at like 11.30…a whole TWO hours later saying “funny looking hour” and still no reply no text saying sorry. Like he keeps fucking me about like this. If you’re not gonna call don’t fucking say it. What is his problem honestly. I wonder what stupid excuse I’m gonna receive this morning. The fact that he can do this two nights in a row and not care shows how much he just doesn’t care about me to be honest, Im nothing to him anymore so why should he give a flying fuck. But me being the mug that I am will still try and make this friendship work. What is the point…I feel like Im just his back up in case some girl he’s talking to falls through.
So I basically spent most of the day in my room cos I just could not be bothered with them. And then I realised all my hair stuff and toothpaste and bar of soap and gone missing. And by the looks of it all their stuff is still there. So I went to twitter and had a little vent. And then I get a message in the group chat from one of them saying that I should email maintenance about it cos some of there stuff went missing too. Am I really gonna email about a few fucking toiletries?! But all my stuff was in cabinet which isn’t really that close to the wall they were tiling so please explain why they would have needed to be in there. I mean if they wanna play games…go ahead. And apparently they wanna talk to me and see how everything is and shit…is my door invisible fucking knock then instead of gathering in each others rooms to have a lil bitch session. GOSH…to be honest I’m very content with my own presence so I couldn’t care less.
So I’m back in hell. When I got back no one in the front room so I didn’t have any awkward encounters which was great!! But it’s just gonna awkward now cos like I just don’t like them very much. But tbhh I don’t care anymore. Ima just focus on getting SLIM bitches!!!
I keep thinking I wish Zack was here (and he actually coulda come with me today there were no barriers) but if he was here like he was meant to be then I wouldn’t really be in this problem cos I wouldn’t know that this is how they are. So yah know. Still wish he was here though cos I wanna cuddle.
I’ll report later if there is more to say.
So I’m off to uni soon. Just tidying my room up and I thought I’d post one more time while I’m feeling great and not wanting to kill myself or anything.
I’m really not looking forward to going back like I’m just gonna spend most of my time in room tryna do my work and at the gym. I’m hoping I can get a job and so that will keep me super busy as well. I just don’t want to be around people I can’t really trust and who don’t care. It’s that simple to be fair and I don’t think I’m overreacting, I’m being honest. I’ll tell you what went down when I arrive.