My Eyes Hurt, My Head Hurts, My Heart Hurts

So I didn’t see Zack yesterday. He called me and basically told me his brother’s daughters go taken to hospital and stuff. So yeah I guess that’s a valid…more than valid. He tried to arrange another day but I dunno if I can take it. Or if I wanna set myself to fail again. There’s only so much I can take.

Then it hit me…I’m not gonna see him this holiday…and not seeing him solidified the fact that we’re just not together anymore and I’m not gonna lie that sucks but I think what hit me more was how much I miss him and I’m not gonna see him for a couple of months and it’s just not normal. Like yeah we went like weeks not seeing each other but I always knew I would see him eventually I had that to look forward to. And now I gotta force myself to get used to that and I didn’t realise how much it hurts. Like I literally have been crying on and off for hours…I probs cried in my sleep I’m that miserable. This is such a shitty way to spend the last day of 2014. I never saw it coming.

I just got a text back him and he says he doesn’t understand…like he doesn’t know if I wanna see him anymore or not. To be honest I can’t give him a straight answer…I don’t want to never see him again cos then I might as well never speak to him again. And I don’t want that. But we’re never gonna have a normal friendship..though I haven’t experienced hanging out with him to know what it’s like. I’m so confused my head is working over time and my eyes literally keep leaking water.

I guess time is a healer right? I really hope so. But I don’t think I’m ready to let anyone in for a long time. I’m gonna be single for so long I might as well start buying some animals right? Tbh I should focus on my uni work…I should use it as a distraction from  the fuckeries that is my life right now.

What sucks the most is that I don’t think he fully understands how much pain I’m in. He’s always been so “strong” he doesn’t really have feelings yah know so he’s sorta just living life. And then there’s me crying my eyes out like a fool. I hate they way I am…

Oh yeah for those of you who aren’t new to my blog…do you like the new layout??? I think it makes navigation a lot more easier. Well I hope so anyways.


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