So I didn’t see Zack yesterday. He called me and basically told me his brother’s daughters go taken to hospital and stuff. So yeah I guess that’s a valid…more than valid. He tried to arrange another day but I dunno if I can take it. Or if I wanna set myself to fail again. There’s only so much I can take.
Then it hit me…I’m not gonna see him this holiday…and not seeing him solidified the fact that we’re just not together anymore and I’m not gonna lie that sucks but I think what hit me more was how much I miss him and I’m not gonna see him for a couple of months and it’s just not normal. Like yeah we went like weeks not seeing each other but I always knew I would see him eventually I had that to look forward to. And now I gotta force myself to get used to that and I didn’t realise how much it hurts. Like I literally have been crying on and off for hours…I probs cried in my sleep I’m that miserable. This is such a shitty way to spend the last day of 2014. I never saw it coming.
I just got a text back him and he says he doesn’t understand…like he doesn’t know if I wanna see him anymore or not. To be honest I can’t give him a straight answer…I don’t want to never see him again cos then I might as well never speak to him again. And I don’t want that. But we’re never gonna have a normal friendship..though I haven’t experienced hanging out with him to know what it’s like. I’m so confused my head is working over time and my eyes literally keep leaking water.
I guess time is a healer right? I really hope so. But I don’t think I’m ready to let anyone in for a long time. I’m gonna be single for so long I might as well start buying some animals right? Tbh I should focus on my uni work…I should use it as a distraction from the fuckeries that is my life right now.
What sucks the most is that I don’t think he fully understands how much pain I’m in. He’s always been so “strong” he doesn’t really have feelings yah know so he’s sorta just living life. And then there’s me crying my eyes out like a fool. I hate they way I am…
Oh yeah for those of you who aren’t new to my blog…do you like the new layout??? I think it makes navigation a lot more easier. Well I hope so anyways.
So he cancelled. He didn’t even do it properly…he text me saying “ima call u in a sec” and then didn’t and then he text me again saying…”It’s impossible for us to go today btw….” I already know from his comments this morning. So I’m here sitting in tights and a bra hoping this is some sort of a joke. But chances are it’s not. I wasn’t that important when we were together so why would I be important now that we’re just “friends.”
I really wanted him to not disappoint me but ha lol good one.
So I meant to be getting ready to go to the cinema soon and I’m still in my pyjamas…we briefly texted this morning (like early morning) and I told him that there cinema tickets for dates into the New Year but reminded him that we’re still going today. And he was like “that’s good just in case shit fucks up today”. That instantly gets alarm bells in my head that he’s planning on not coming. It’s not exactly the first time he hasn’t done something he said he would. He let me down so many times when we were together…we’re not together so he doesn’t owe me a thing now. I don’t understand why he doesn’t just go and ask one of the many girls he’s probs talking to as we speak. It would make things so much easier.
Im starting to think this friends thing isn’t gonna work out cos it’s too much like playing minesweep…I’m treading on little squares hoping that one of the bombs doesn’t go off and we both know that a bomb is going to go off sooner or later.
I’ve texted him telling him a time to meet me he has three hours so do whatever it is he’s doing. Or I just don’t care anymore cos this will be the second time he’s done this cinema thing and the millionth time he’s let me down.
When he speaks he seems like he actually wants to be friends and move forward as far as he can but he actions are telling me a different thing and actions speak louder than words right? Maybe I should leave all of his bullshit in 2014 and move on with my life?? I deserve to be happy.
So tomorrow…Zack and I will be attempting to go to the cinema for the second time. It’s in my area so the only reason it doesn’t happen is cos he didn’t turn up.
I have some things to tell and ima make a list now so I can sort it out in my head.
Things I need to tell Zack:
- I still have feelings and care about him and I’m worried that I’m never really gonna ever get over him cos it’s easier for me to imagine a future being with him instead of not being with him. Which is dumb cos my future isn’t being with him and so I should be able to see that future a lot easier cos not imagination and creativity is really involved.
- I still don’t know how to act around him, like contact is gonna be at a minimum.
- I sometimes think we could still work it out and be together but then I think about those texts to his “cousin” and it still doesn’t sit well with me. And that’s what I use to make me try and lose feelings for him.
- I’m scared that every time I see him all the feelings I’m working on losing will come back.
- I just wanna get to a place where I can be happy for him when you get into a new relationship and right now I know I’m not there and I don’t wanna be all bitter and stuff cos that’s a useless emotion.
That’s all I thinks…I’ll let you know how it goes.
Something is actually clinically wrong with me! So I gave the letter I wrote to Zack to him…not the one I wrote on this blog…I gave him a very long an detailed letter about how I was feeling. So finally after like two days of me waiting for him to call him, he dropped called me and the conversation started off bare random we spoke about the holiday that I’m planning on going on. And the he brought up the letter and my throat literally closed up…I couldn’t speak I had all these things that I wanted to say to him about how I felt and my mouth just closed up. My mind was racing away and my mouth was saying very little!!! I did say how it’s weird us being friends cos we never really had that relationship before we went from being strangers to just sorta having sex and then “falling in love.” So being friends is a bit weird and said how he doesn’t know when if he will ever stop caring be being attracted to me and how so hanging out will be hard and shit cos there always be a certain level of awkwardness between and he doesn’t think we’ll ever be able to be like close friends seeing each other like all the time. Which I agree with but we’re attempting to go to the cinema again this Tuesday…OMG which would be the same time we went out last year for the first time OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!
Tis all for now…Im still so pissed with myself
So I’m back to moping and being sad. Like after yesterday all my feelings for Zack have sorta come back harder…like I just don’t know. I realised that I still really wanna be with him. So bad…so so so bad. I thought I was ok. And like today he sent me a picture of a parcel that he packaged at work and it was to Disney Company…like that made me smile…he’s still finding ways to make me happy. So we’re meeting up next week to actually try and go to the cinema and stuff. And he said that he would come to the station near my house and stay with me a couple stops (which is like half an hour) to keep me company. I don’t understand why he would offer to do all these things and not what to be with me.
I’m just scared that he’s gonna move on and then I’m gonna be left alone and unwanted. Cos that’s how I feel…unwanted. And like I just know he’s gonna be move on to someone better than me in every way possible. *sigh*
So I welled up for the first time in like a week…I dunno if Ima be able to deal with going to the cinema but he really wants to go and I wanna prove I’m as strong as him so yah gotta do what you gotta do right.
Also I should get my period tomorrow…though I’m not really getting any proper cramps like I should…which is worrying but it should all be fine I thinks.
Oh yeah so he said he was gonna call me about the letter I wrote him…still no call yet 😦 but I don’t wanna bring it up…it’s embarrassing so erm no thanks.
So today was the day me and Zack where going to the cinema…he didn’t tell me what time we were meant to be going till like 11am this morning…cutting it a but slim. But anyways I already knew I was gonna be super late and to be fair he should have known that too. So I text him saying I was gonna leave and that and I didn’t know that it hadn’t been delivered to him phone so I made my way like usual. I get there and it just doesn’t ring and I’m like wonderful.
So I buzz his buzzer and I can see that the light is on in his friends room and I buzz thinking that it’s him but it is not. And I wait for like 10/15 mins with no answer and so I started thinking that he was playing some sick kinda joke on me and so I was on the phone to my friend swearing like there was no tomorrow! I get the bus and finally he calls me and shit and says his phone was dead and he went to the Apple Store to get a new charger. I was like why didn’t you think I was gonna come! And we talked and I was so upset and angry that I told him our friendship was over! But then I got off the bus and went back to give him his vest and his Christmas present and by that point the anger was just seeping from me and I really wanted to just see him and see how I felt when I did.
He came and we spoke at the front door for like 15 minutes…he apologised and shit and we spoke vaguely about us and stuff…he told me he’s single…he better be single it’s been like 2 weeks he can’t have moved on so quickly! I told him that as well. He asked me if I wanted to go upstairs and I was like “I don’t think we’re ready for that yet” which he agreed with and he muttered that he was still attracted to me and still cared about me and I guess we both know we’re not ready to be in a room alone when all we know is how to be romantic I guess. I said that he still needs to take me to Disneyland to make up for it and he at first he joked but he said that it’s something we could work towards. Though sleeping arrangements would be weird. It would be weird getting ina bed with him…in Paris…and not having sex…or cuddling but I think we’ll get there…some day.