Heartbreak Hotel

So Zack actually didn’t come, I didn’t expect him to though so I’m not actually that disappointed. Last night/this morning we had a chat it wasn’t very long but it was one of the hardest things I had to go through.

So basically on Halloween I sent him a message about me not being happy with him and stuff and I might have over exaggerated a lil bit. I might have said that sometimes he makes me feel like shit and then his response was “maybe we’re better off not being together” that broke my heart. The first time I’ve ever said anything to him about how I feel and he just suggests ending the relationship. Like he didn’t even wanna try and fix it, but we chatted and he said some really surprising things like…how he thinks that I just wanna be friends with him and stuff. I don’t know where he got that from cos I thought that I’d always made my feelings…my very strong feelings, clear but obviously not. Now all day all I’ve been thinking about is our brief conversation. I really wanna call him again and talk just to talk since he’s not here and maybe attempt to resolve the issue that we have but I don’t wanna like yah know over crowd him. Though in my defence he’s meant to be here so I’m kind of owed some him time right?

It hadn’t helped that my friends have again resorted to ignoring me and my problems because it suits them…it’s very clear that I am upset but no one has made any attempt to actually find out what’s wrong. They’re all too occupied with their precious little lives to help me out, and yah know what…fair play to them…but the next time one of them has a break down or is feeling down…guess who isn’t going to care…that’s right MEEEE!

But back to my relationship. Long distance is so much harder this year, it wasn’t this made in the first year but I guess we grew stronger/closer during the summer…I’m not gonna see him for two weeks more…that’s one month…I would have seen him twice in two months…that’s not healthy considering we live within visiting distance of each other…even if it isn’t convenient. But I’m scared that we’re not going to make it through this year…let alone my third. I don’t want what we have to end…but I’m scared that we’re going to hit some more bumps and not get over it. I don’t want that to happen. He’s the first guy I’ve ever had sex with and had feelings for at the same time. I was hoping he’d be the last – even if I’ve said before I wish I had more penises to experiment with. I don’t wanna have to build up trust with someone new. I’m still working on trusting him and getting comfortable with him so I don’t wanna have to do that with anyone else…ever.

It’s really killing me that he should be here and he’s not…well I’ve made my bed so I might as well lie in it right…

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