I Feel Sick

So I’m doing my essay for uni and I set myself a target that if I get to 500 words I’ll call Zack and went past it so I called him, and to this day I get nervous calling him cos I’m always scared he’s gonna be busy and shit. But he picked up and like he took a while to pick it up but he did and I was like “woop” so anyways he answers the phone in a really strange way like I’m one of his boys and I said “I’m not one of your mandem” then he laughs and is like “ahh I’ll call you back” and then I hear this female voice saying “why do you have to call her back for” and she sounded so pretty and shit. But like why is being all secretive for, why can’t he talk to me with her being there?? This doesn’t help the fact that when I was with him I guessed his phone password and he basically fought with me to get his phone back. Like what does he have to hide…this is just playing with my trust…I don’t even know what to think or. He has work tomorrow yet he can entertain guests. He puts everything/one before me and I’m starting to look like an idiot and it’s just not worth the stress.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m So Confused

So this post shall be in several parts…though it may all just end up looking the same cos I don’t really have a particular writing style, so I don’t know how planning is going to go.

Uni

I hate it. I don’t hate the course or anything to be honest that is the only thing that is keeping me sane. I just hate the place I live and the people aren’t all being great. I live with three other girls and a couple across the hall. Four girls in one flat is just too much for me. Especially since they’re all so different from what I grew up experiencing. I don’t mean to sound racist or ignorant but I grew up around a lot of black people, and the white people I grew up around were a lot more streetwise than these girls and lot more culturally diverse. These girls question and mock everything that isn’t familiar to them and that really annoys me cos like I just shows a lack of education and I believe it’s down to their parents and the area they grew up in. So cooking my cultural food is so long cos I always get complaints and stuff and I just don’t have time so I just cook standard pasta and chicken sometimes. Makes my life a lot easier. But these girls…mainly two of them are SO bitchy!!!! It’s sad to watch. Like last year they used to bitch about this one girl to high heaven and then call me a bumlick cos I wanted to make sure she was ok and didn’t feel isolated and shit. I mean yeah she was weird and a bit annoying but no one is perfect! And like I’m from a big city and this town is AWFUL so I’d rather not spend my nights going to the same bar listening to the same music…so I don’t go yet I get called boring…isn’t repetition boring…idiots. And the thing that rattled my feathers today was the fact that we’re doing secret santa and it seemed odd that one of the girls messaged in the girl only group chat…and then I realised why, she didn’t wanna let one of the boys know we were doing secret santa. And they she tried to cover it up by joking. They always left him out of stuff last year and they’re doing it again. He was the reason why I didn’t go mad last year…we were quite similar and now he’s a few floors away and I never see him.

Boyfriend

So I went to see Zack this weekend it was all good up until the end. We had a few arguments but we sorted them I guess and we started looking for tickets for my birthday present. I found out that he doesn’t do ANYTHING…no Christmas, no birthdays, no valentines day (he said he’d get me a card) but what is wrong with him! When I’m back at uni I find it hard, long distance is just not for everyone at all. Like when I’m with him it’s amazing, the cuddles and the kisses, the sex 😉 but when I’m not away we don’t even text regularly so it’s like communication is cut off and it’s hard! I need to talk to him often or what is the point?! *sigh* I love this kid so much and it’s just hard. Though he said some really cute stuff that just melted my heart. Like we were lying down cuddling and I said “love you” and I wasn’t expecting a reply back cos he’s not really that kinda guy but he was like “I love you too” it’s only taken like 10 months (which is actually a good time I guess). We were talking and he kept talking to me like I was one his friends and I told him I wasn’t one of his mandem and he was like “yes you are, you’re my best friend” and then he did it again and I told him to stop (in a jokey way) and he was like “how do you want me to speak to you, you’re not some disney princess” and I was like “yes I am” and then he said “you’re my princess” Ahh, see this is the stuff that keeps me going. If he didn’t have this side at all I’d think he hated me.

This is a pretty long post sorry I just needed to sort my emotions out I guess.

At A Cross Road

So as you may or may not know…my delightful boyfriend didn’t turn up to come and see me nor did he make any attempt to come down the next day but instead made a half hearted promise to come and see me in two weeks. I’m going home and so suggested that I could go and see him (me putting in all the effort) and he gave me a really pissy reply so I shortened my stay with him in response to his reply.

The next day (Monday) I wake up and I’m no longer upset but I’m so angry. Why am I the one always making the effort?!? And he said to me that if the trains fucked up again then he wouldn’t come and see me…yet he wasn’t complaining every time I went to see him in my first year yet I want him to come down and he makes up such a fuss. So I sent him a message telling him how I felt and all I get back was ‘kl’ !!! IS HE OK?!?! So I called him a dick and he didn’t reply. So I spent the entire day in bed brooding and playing sims while my lovely flatmates (bar one) spent the day ignoring me as usual. I’m so fed up of the double standards whenever anyone else is sad everyone runs to their rescue when it’s me…pft I’ll be fine..well they can all fuck off then.

So I tried to call Zack at like 1:30am (again me making the effort) and no reply. I wake up to no attempt to get hold of me whats so ever. So I (again making all the effort) send him a message saying we need to talk…it hasn’t delivered to his phone yet so now I guess it’s up to him right??

I hate this so much…I love this boy and yet I feel like it’s gonna end so cos this long distance is just driving a wedge between us 😦 sad really.

Sleeping Alone

I’ve been counting down when I was gonna see Zack for so long and now the day has come I’m so deflated and upset, I just can’t be bothered. I just wanted to see my boyfriend I was so excited like I had so much planned and now it’s all fucked up. I’m so full of emotion I just don’t know what to do. I’m all restless.

For once I’m not to blame even a little bit. He told me his friends were at his till like 3 and he didn’t go to sleep till like 6 and he has to wake up at 7 to go to work. Then he text me in the morning telling me about some delays on the line he was meant to be going on and so was looking for a different route. So when he finished work he had a nap by accident and missed the train he had planned to get by like a second. So instead of just listening to me and staying put he went to London Victoria and go a different train but he fell asleep and missed his stop and so missed the bus that he needed to get and by the time he got to the station the only bus that was there was going to Brighton and the last bus train left in an hour so there was no way he was going to make it. So I just told him to go home…dunno how he’s gonna get there.

I just looked on the train times and he could have gone to Brighton and got a train from there…I’m so upset and now he’s saying I won’t see him till the 7th probably…I can’t do this…that 6 weeks!!! IM SO FUCKING ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this even worth the stress anymore?

The L Word

So I’ve been meaning to post but I never got around to it so my mood has drastically changed but I’ve been having a really hard time not seeing Zack. We had a chat last night about all the things that were bothering me with uni and just in general which is just what I needed.

So we talked about our long distance relationship and just relationship in general. He basically told me he doesn’t agree in anniversaries unless you’re married! That’s not fair! I’ve never been with someone a year and I don’t even get to celebrate it but he better put a damn ring on my finger haha.

He told me he loved me! And this time it was clear enough for me to actually hear it! He said it first!!!!!!!!! I went to bed so happy the happiest I’ve been in about a week…so for now I’m on cloud nine.

0-100

My emotions are all over the place. Zack and I are still recovering from our little thingy and he’s really making an effort it’s so sweet like he FaceTimed me out of the blue and it really shocked me and stuff and we have decent conversations so we’re moving forward but now I just really miss him and stuff and like I just wanna speak to him about my feelings sometimes but like I just don’t and for good reason. He’s just read my last two messages and not replied and they were both replyable so he had no good reason not to reply to either of them so this all just sucks tbhh. And like I really did wanna just tell him how much I missed him but now I don’t wanna be ignored again.

Long distance is so hard and I’m conscious as it and like it’s really sinking in that I’m not gonna see him for a while and it’s not fair especially being surrounded with all these couples I do get a bit jealous cos they don’t really know what’s its like and like my relationship started as a long distance thing but it’s getting harder instead of easier 😦 I’m so confused.

Long Distance Relationships

So Zack and I are ok I guess. We had a lil chat early this morning and it was ok. I really miss him but I’m gonna be seeing him in like two weeks so yah know.

It’s really hard to be in a long distance relationship but to be far with Zack it’s all I’ve known. We started out long distance and like to be fair this summer was the only time we saw each other really frequently. Sometimes I think the long distance helps up and sometimes I think it doesn’t. But I guess if we can make it through the next two years then everything will be ok. I really don’t want this to be another case or right boy wrong time.

Pros to a long distance relationship:

  • You get to know them on a more personal level and not physical
  • You have a chance to miss them
  • You appreciate their presence more
  • You learn to go without sex for longer periods of time
  • You actually look forward to phone calls

Cons to a long distance relationship:

  • Can’t just meet up for a quick cuddle
  • You miss them more…especially when around other couples
  • Phone conversations aren’t enough sometimes (even Skype)
  • Insecurities start sometimes
  • Don’t get to have sex that often. Or cuddle or kiss

Both lists could probs go on for miles but those are the main things for me tbhh.