So yesterday I went to see Zack and cos it’s been so long and I was kinda late but I saw his mum on the stairs and she said hey to me and I squeaked hi to her then he came downstairs and got him and I got the kiss he promised me. Then we went upstairs and went straight to his room and basically cuddled for like 45 minutes time flew no joke it was comfy. Then the passionate kissing started and he got naked and then he got his stupid condom out it was a cool brand called Skyn but I still wasn’t happy about it. So I gave him a blow job to get him super hard. The foreplay was OMG it’s never been that good before like I dunno if it’s cos we haven’t see each other in so long but it was like he had a point to prove and he proved it. So we got down to business and it wasn’t actually that bad with the condom on, I think it was a thin one cos I basically forgot he had one on. Anyway long story short he made me cum twice in one session. It was amazing! And with a condom!! AHHHHH. It was pretty rough (oh it’s making me go all weird thinking about it haha) but I like it like that. He really took it out of me cos apparently i fell asleep for like an hour after and he just lay there, didn’t even wake me up or anything silly boy. I really wanted to stay the night but I couldn’t which sucks cos I love waking up next to him.
He kinda ruined it at the end though when I asked to leave my lube with him, cos I’m not using it at home I only use them with him, and I gave him three, tingle, passion fruit and a normal durex play and he basically said he’d never seen the durex play one and that it was basically empty and we had never used it. He basically accused me of using it with someone else and I guess I got a bit bitchy with him after that point but I had rights. Hmph but yeah I should be seeing him next week we might be going out to watch 22 Jump Street. He wants to watch it and I just wanna spend time with him so yah Channing Tatum is in it so yaaaaaaaaay
Hey Hey Hey! So it’s been a while but tbhh not much has happened for me to report on. I still haven’t seen Zack but I’m seeing him tomorrow and I’m super excited I miss him and I just wanna kiss and a cuddle though I might have to compete against the football, but I’ve told him I’m not staying the night so he might not be stupid and waste time, though I wouldn’t put it past him tbhh.
So anyways yesterday I decided that I would come of the pill and see if that is what is making my vagina go all funny and stuff cos it was a real concern of mine but this means I have to use a condom when I have sex !! And I just hate them…so much like soooo much, they make me go all dryy and I have no problem getting wet so that is saying something, also it just interrupts the flow like putting it on and stuff. And also it will lack intimacy like there’s a shield in-between the both of us…he can’t really feel me and I can’t really feel him. What’s the point of me getting wet and stuff if he’s not feeling directly urgh! It’s actually making me quite sad, the only thing is that condoms mean less mess cos there is always the issue of cleaning up after going without but I don’t mind that to be honest so now I have to put up with sex with a piece of plastic! Urgh life sucks, Im going to go to the clinic and get a new pill and hope for the best cos I can’t go from having great sex with no condom to having average sex without. And that means he’s gonna go for longer which is just gonna hurt me in the process there is only so much girth I can take. Tbhh the way I feel I’d be happy to just cuddle and kiss. I can’t wait to see him though, I really do miss him. I really wanna kiss from him and to cuddle in his bed.
So everything is actually going really well, though I haven’t seem him basically a week and it’s really starting to get to me now cos I feel like I’m back in Hastings and I can’t go see him cos if the distance but it’s not that at all it’s other stuff. But yeah I realised I was getting annoyed with him cos we hadn’t really spoken and I was waiting for him to like message me and stuff then I realised if I missed him and wanted to talk to him I just make the first move and we had a nice convo and stuff it was cool then he went to eat like a poo and said he’d call me back and he did but I fell asleep which I feel bad about but I got called into work so it’s a good thing cos I defo needed sleep.
So hopefully I should be seeing him next week though the painters might be in. I’m also thinking about coming off the pill my body just doesn’t like it at all I keep getting like yeast infections and stuff but like it occurs like a week before my period is due so I dunno…I’m gonna wait the 3 months things and see if my body gets used to the pill if not I might have to change or come off it completely which sucks cos I HATE condoms they make me all irritated down below and I’m like urgh! And it doesn’t feel the same, though there is less mess which is always a good thing. I’ve decided for what ever reason me and Zack finish or whatever the guy I’m gonna be with I’ll use condoms with them cos like I don’t wanna be on the pill for ages and stuff, health risks and stuff. But I hope me and him don’t end whatever it is that is going on cos I’m actually really happy though yah know it’s still not official and it’s getting to the point where I’m like “do I bring it up?” and “how do I bring it up?” it will be just do awkward yah know…like what if I don’t get the answer I wanna hear and that…? Well tis
So I’m not feeling to good, I went to bed quite late and then woke up this morning cos my brother woke me up as per and I was in a pretty chippy mood cos I didn’t have a dream about Zack, then I remembered something and realised that I most definitely did. It was awful.
So basically we got on this train and there were loads of us…9and you know in dreams your friends with everyone…yeah it was like that). So we get on this train and then this girl comes out of nowhere looking upset and Zack knows here and it becomes apparent that they have a history and we sit with her and for the whole journey he’s cuddling her and shit and there’s me sitting next to them not knowing what do. And I found out they had been seeing each other like when I was seeing him, then we get off the train and I’m transported quickly into a bar place and a few of my actual friends are talking about how they’re all seeing this guy and it’s Zack. Then I’m at home and I call him and he’s like “can you go on Skype please” I agree but I don’t hang up and I hear him saying how he doesn’t wanna be tied down to one girl and he’s young and all that shit then he realises I haven’t hanged up. So I call him on Skype and he starts chatting rubbish about how I make him feel all funny inside and I’m not buying a bit of it. Then I wake up.
Like this is the second night in a row I’ve had a dream that’s related to him, what if it means something, like he doesn’t want to be with me, like that would explain why it’s not like official or anything but the thought really upset me and like I burst into tears it was awful I just feel so crappy like what if he’s really had enough of me…and yeah I know I should confront him but how do even start that convo…this is all too much for me to deal with. I don’t wanna have this kind of convo with him but I don’t wanna keep having dreams until I go bad. So I might have to confront him later on…when I figure out how to and I’ll keep you updated.
So basically I had this deem this morning that Zack’s friends were at my halls of residence but he wasn’t there and he was coming or something and for some reason he had his own room like he lived there. So I was chilling with uni friends and with them as well and then I ran a bath in his place and was waiting for him but he never showed up. Like the weirdest thing is I woke up several times and would go back to sleep and continue the dream and that rarely happens.
Like that if him not showing up was a sign of him leaving my life, like what do I do? Do I ask him if he hates me or just leave it? Like we haven’t spoken since a like Monday and like Im back at home so you’d think we’d see each other more often but nope…urgh what if I’ve pushed him away…cos like he asked me if I’d left any of my stuff at his like he didn’t wanna have to see me again…I dunno what to do…I do often think about thing pretty hard so maybe i’m just over thinking…I really do hope do 😦
So basically I sent Zack a message like 2 days ago apologising about my behaviour and stuff and he was like “it’s alright. I understand” and then I replied saying i’d work on my mood swings and my communication skills. He read it and didn’t reply so like I’m like he clearly doesn’t seem to care I guess cos I’m tryna show I want to make this work and he’s just ignoring me. And like I think he might be mad at me, cos I told him about my thrush thing and he was like “who gave you that” and I was like no one it’s the pill changing my pH balance and he was like “hmm ok” then I told him my thighs were hurting from my night out and that night I drunk called him and I remember telling him about some guy Edward wanting to have sex with me and asking me for my room number and stuff so I dunno if he thought that my thighs hurt from sex cos sometimes when I’m on top and I’m proper going for it my thighs hurt the next day. But it defo didn’t happen. He’s the only I’ve been with for like 4/5 months. I’m just worried cos what he thinks I have done stuff and he does and sleeps with a girl out of spite…I’m also worried that he’s slept with a girl anyways but he claims he hasn’t and whenever we of the deed sometimes I do leave my mark…and my mark seems to be the only one there so thats good. I just hate not talking to him, like and it will probs last for a few days which sucks cos I’m stubborn and so is he.
I’ve been so upset and angry about this for the past day but getting my emotions on “page” is really helping I feel calmer and more relaxed and I just want things to be good with us cos I really like him and I think we could have something really special, like he talks about the future but not like in depth it’s just little things he’ll say that sort of just slip out as like one liners in a conversation. The only suck-ish thing is that we’re not official so we don’t really have an anniversary…i think I might try and bring it up soonish like just drop it ina convo…or maybe when I’m drunk cos I need to know yah know….Anyways that is all for now hehehehe
So I went to see Zach on Sunday evening…and I stayed the night, I told my mum I was going out and stuff but I just went to his…this summer is gonna be super awkward cos she doesn’t know about him and like awkwardness is just not cool but we shall seeeee. Anyways first night was all good we were in bed and we did our thing…twice…within like 20 min of each other, then we ordered pizza which was yummy and then he showed me pictures of his family at his grandma’s birthday which was cute. His older brother proper looks like him!! SOOO much! But my baby is better looking ;). But anyways then we watched an episode of The Tomorrow People and went to sleep then we woke up next morning and were in bed for 2 hours kissing and all that horny stuff and we didn’t have sex ONCE! Like duuude it has been a month and were was my morning sex! I was pleased but I was glad to be with him so yah know what ever. Then he goes and plays FIFA and makes me make my own breakfast I was so upset…like he always makes me breakfast but he refused this time like a poo. So yeah I’m in the kitchen burning myself and he’s playing FIFA as per…so I tell him at 2pm I’m gonna probs leave at 2:30pm…which is basically code for GET OF OFF FIFA! did he get that code…of course not…he comes into his room at about 2:15pm while I’m getting dressed so I get him to cream my legs for me and stuff then he does back to FIFA so I sit in his room for like 20 mins to see if he comes in and he doesn’t until like 22 mins of me being in there…so I give him the silent treatment and don’t tell him what’s wrong and then he gets annoyed so I told him and he was like “sorry blaaah blaaaah” So yeah we made up and stuff but he always puts FIFA before me like his friends constantly call him to go online and stuff like their happiness depends on him. Like when he came to see me at uni one of them was constantly calling him asking where he was and shit like OMG he’s not in London GO AWAY!!! Urgh,
But I think we be good now…I hope 🙂
But why do boys always go stuff like this???