So Now What?

So basically a quick catch up on my last blog post. Zach called me like the next day and at first I was so icy with him but then I warmed up to him. We spent like 5 hours on the phone with each other was really nice to just hear his voice I guess. So yeah I got over my paranoia…for now. I realised that the problem here most likely lies within my own insecurities and trust issues and that he’s a good guy. So basically I went to see him today and we did the deed…wow is all I’m going to say. But yeah i really did wanna bring up the whole “where are we…what are we heading towards” speech but there really wasn’t a good time for that…like bring it up before and it ruins the moment bring it up after and it just becomes a bit awkward. Like we cuddled and everything and he’s not afraid to mention me in front of his friends and that so he can’t me like ashamed of me right? Which is a good thing…cos like he could just be like “I’m with some girl” thats what one of my ex’s used to say to his friends and we were actually a couple…he uses my name and everything so yay! But he actually ditched me for FIFA like OMG we’re in bed cuddling and he ditches me for FIFA he played like 3 whole matches before I got his full attention. I was gonna sulk in his room but I went to watch him cos like I don’t want him to think I’m coming in between him and his friends…I’m not that kinda girl…I find it more funny that hurtful and he was speaking to me during the matches so yah know can’t complain. 

But back to the point…I like this guy…a lot…like a lot a lot and like I just don’t know where we are…are we friends, friends with benefits, exclusive, boyfriend and girlfriend? you get the picture. Like I like things the way they are and I don’t really want to label anything…which contradicts what I just said…I guess what I really want to know is if he’s having sex with anyone else. Cos tbhh I like how we are…we’re just me and him and the way I see it…if you don’t label it then there’s nothing to destroy or ruin right? But then I would want an anniversary and since nothing is labelled how would one know? Ahh complications.

I don’t know when I’m next gonna see him, which sucks…I don’t usually tell him this like ever but I actually miss him and I’ve only ever spent like a week without seeing him at a time…I guess cos when we see each other we spend like the whole day with each other I get used to his company and like sleeping next to him and stuff so when I leave him it just feels weird and I don’t like it at all but today wasn’t too bad I don’t think I’ll miss him too much this time not until like 2 weeks have passed then I might to cray. 

Anyways this is a pretty happy post tbhh just rambling now. But any comments on the best way to find out what we are/are not would be helpful. Thanks.

Advertisements

Maybe It’s Me

So basically, still no reply from Zack, but he’s been on Whatsapp…like I don’t quite understand what has changed from like 8am to 12:30pm for him to not want to talk to me and this time last week I was with him. Like what has changed in a week. He’s been talking about the future like Valentine’s Day and my birthday (which is in MARCH) so maybe I’m just being paranoid. I just guess I have some serious trust issues and self confidence problems. I just wanna talk to him I guess but I don’t wanna seem clingy. I just want to know what we are so then I can yah know worry less I guess. If I knew where I stood with him exactly then I would’t be feeling like this. I’ve had two dreams of like people in relationships solidifying their relationships; I just want to know where our relationship is at and where it is going. I guess I should probs tell him this. Cos it’s clear that I like this boy a lot. Gosh this is why I don’t like falling for people cos I always end up worrying and now I just want to go and sleep with this guy just to get back at him for something he probably hasn’t done.

I think he does like me but sometimes I just don’t know. Like who spends £40 to see someone they don’t really like, unless he really just wanted to have sex but £40 is pretty pricey for vagina and he says he’s gonna come and see me in February so like basically he’s planning things in the future but now he’s ignoring/forgotten me. 

Someone please help me…I need some serious advice.

Heart Break Hotel

I hate my life. Today started to nicely, I had the best dream ever, Zack asked me to be his girlfriend it felt so real and like I was glad cos I just knew where we stood. Like right I don’t know what we are like we’re nothing. Basically friends with benefits, am I his booty call, his side chick? Like I’ve met his friends but I don’t know that doesn’t really count for anything right? Ah I hate not know what we are. Like I really like this guy a lot but today he’s basically ignored me all day but he’s been on Whatsapp. Like I don’t mind him not speaking to me but like could he just read my message and not reply instead of not replying for like 12 hours? Like who does that? *Sigh* and I’m scared he’s been chilling with another girl and doing it today of all days would really hurt me like fuck cos I was meant to go see him today/yesterday but I didn’t cos of my below area. So if he spent the day with another girl that would kill me. GOSH what is going on?!? HELP!!

WHY UNIVERSE WHY

So OMG first of all there is someone who actually reads my blog! Like OMG HELLO, I got a comment and I defo agree. I guess he’s not the one…though I am young so I guess I wasn’t expecting him to be. 

But back to the WHY UNIVERSE WHY!! So basically I spent the weekend with Zack and I was riding the crimson wave so we just cuddled and shit…much to both of our despair so we planned to see each other on saturday but I’m having period pains like hell! I really don’t want to go on my period!!! WHY ME!! WHYYYY but what makes things worse of me is I think the morning after pill has given me a yeast infection!! Like I’ve got cottage cheese like discharge! WHY ME!! URGH I haven’t got time for this! Like every time we make plans to do the dirty something stupid comes up! Like WTF is this a sign…? HELP ME!!!

Why Can’t I Get Things Right

Do I have “Mug” written on my forehead, I just don’t understand why I always pick and fall for IDIOTS! My new guy…I’ll call him Zack, he so confusing, I just don’t know where I stand with him, I don’t know if we’re like friends with benefits, if he’s sleeping with other guys or what. I just don’t know who I am to him. Like he mentioned Valentine’s Day but that doesn’t mean anything. Like on the Monday that I spent time with him he’d basically had enough of me and went to play FIFA and ignored me for like 2 hours and did it on the Sunday as well I fell asleep waiting for him. I was also really upset with him for chatting about me to his friends and hiding shit from me. I know I haven’t know him long but I’m not hiding anything from him. Though the more I feel like he’s pushing me away the more likely I am to walk right into the bed of the guy I first slept with. He keeps asking to me come around for “old times sake” and I might just take him up on his offer. But I couldn’t do that…for many different reasons. So I’m just gonna get hurt…I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE I STAND. I thought I met someone nice when I met him but oh how I was wrong…so so so sooooo wrong. I thought he was a good guy, I thought he cared about me. The way he is with me…like we’ll be starring at each other and he’ll lift my chin up and kiss me but then again Ray used to do that to me so I don’t know! But we’d just have moments and he’d cuddle me and it would be so nice. But then I’d feel like sometimes he’s sick of me. Like one time it was mad late at night and he was facing me so I turned over and he turned away like instantly. But then again I moved like far away from him and he moved closer. So again…I don’t know! URGH gosh…lemme finish my ice cream. 

Update

Hey, so it’s been a while and I have quite a lot to say. I left my diary at uni so I decided to write in/ to the inter web. So basically about a month ago I met this guy, online, it wasn’t like on purpose just an accident he messaged me. So we got chatting and he wanted to meet up and usually I would be like “Fuck Off” but I decided to give it a go and we went out to some arcade and played pool and it was actually really fun then we went back to his and we played FiFA and jammed he didn’t try anything sexual it was proper nice. We continued chatting and like we’ve talked everyday. Then he came to see me at uni and well we did the need. But he told me he really liked me but I’m a bit sceptical about it but I really like him like a lot. I just connect with him and he makes me feel comfy. So anyways this weekend I went to stay with him but I was on my period cos I took the morning after pill so we couldn’t like yah know. And he knew that I was on but he still told me to come which makes me think he actually might like me. Who knows…well he does. He made me a bit upset though when I was with him, he went on Skype with his friends and one of them who hasn’t met me (his friends came over and they got high and shit) was asking him about me, which mean they his friends were chatting about me and then he started talking about me on Skype and laughing and shit. I’m scared that they think I’m ugly and are gonna give him grief about me and then he’s gonna like stop talking to me and I’m gonna get hurt. I mean he calls me pretty and sexy and shit but he might just be saying that URGH! What makes things worse is I don’t know what we are…like are we just Friends with Benefits, Seeing Each other, Boyfriend and Girlfriend, just friends? I DONT KNOW! He calls me his best friend but like what does that even mean. I don’t know what do to. Like do I confront him about it or just leave it. I don’t want to seem like a bitch and annoy him. Urgh, I really like him, like really, really like him. A lot a lot a lot!!!!!!!!! Urgh if someone reads this please help!!!!