I Am So Confused It Hurts!

So ARGH! My head hurts so much…like so much…I’ve spend like 60% of my day, props more thinking about Ray and our past…like we’ve been messing around like over 8 months now…I don’t understand how you can consistently do that and not catch feelings it just doesn’t make any sense at all! Ah this just sucks cos I feel like I should tell him how I feel so that I feel a bit better about the situation but then I don’t want to make things awkward between us and I like the way things are…well kinda…I’m content I guess…but I was thinking back to all the time we’ve done stuff and like the first few times it was just casual…not heat not emotions and then (I don’t know where) but it slowly started to get more deep…I dunno if he felt that but I know I did…but who knows?  Well actually someone does know but I don’t wanna know impose and I don’t wanna know the truth fully cos I guess I already have an idea in my head but when someone confirms it, it makes it so much worse cos you can’t escape from the fact. 

Anyways I’m so tired yah don’t understand! Got work to do!



Boys Have Feelings?!?!

OMG! So boys have feelings…And when I say boys I meant Ray…have you got that yet? He is Boys in my life…tis weird but true! So yeah I totally hurt his feelings today and I felt awful! Like OMG i was so sad cos the way he reacted was shocking. I basically said that he didn’t know how to be nice which obviously upset him :O OMG right well yeahh I didn’t actually apologise but I kinda was like “I’l leave you alone now” and like after a couple of minutes he was like “it’s cool” which is nice…means he forgave me and shit and I guess he understands like I didn’t mean it in the way in which I said it, but yeahh 🙂 we’re still talking now which is odd cos like we’ve talked everyday now since I got my bb so yah know…I feels nice I guess…though I’m like 110% he doesn’t like me all…but yah know ah well…He said I was pretty today…not in so many words but he inferred that and it made me happy…at least he doesn’t think I’m ugly and shizzle…silver lining…yeahh not much else to say about him tbhh…only it’s a lost cause but I’m still hoping for the best. I was thinking that maybe I should tell him before I got to uni, I still feel the same that is…and it won’t be awkward cos I’ll be in Hasting hopefully…sunning myself and tryna forget about him. 

Anyways I’m off to bed cos I keep walking up late even with three alarm clocks. So goodnight world!

I am so fat!

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted, not that anyone reads my blog posts but hey ho…so yeahh like the title says, I feel totally fat! Argh so I’ve started this more healthy eating approach to life…I haven’t quite started exercising yet but that will come when I have more time! So yeahh I’ve been putting on so much weight it’s not even a joke…like I just feel so unattractive…tbhh I feel like the Khloe Kardashian of my friends…like I feel I’m the big one who people don’t see a very attractive…but Khloe really is beautiful and she’s lost all that weight…so maybe I should embrace that and work towards a goal like she did…like I have really nice curves )  ( << bit like that but my belly looks like tis (  ) which totally contradicts my curves but it makes sense to me and that’s enough I guess…anyways that’s all really gonna post about Ray later on…he’s confused my life so much it’s not fair!


Ah good I hate the male gender! Well really I just hate Ray! Like why can’t he just be normal! Maybe its something wrong me I mean he doesn’t care about me at all…he’s proved that. Like I decided to start a conversation with him today, cos yah know he usually started them…we sent about 18 messages to each other and he just aired me…yet he’s spent like 6 days talking to this girl…like I always thought that me and him were closer like he’s known me longer but she obviously means more to him than I do…

Ahh so I started this post at like 7:30pm on 13th April 2013…it’s not 04:15 14th April 2013 and I’m just now continuing the post…basically my mum got be a bit angry and so I just shut the laptop and had a lil cry. Yeahh I’m not proud but I cried…but it was just over Ray…it’s just built up emotion over time and how I feel guess…I don’t really talk to my friends about my problems I’m usually the one that listens and helps Im not used to expressing my feelings I feel like idiot when I try cos I don’t want people to judge me and stuff like I act all strong and stuff but I on the inside I’m dying. Anyway back to the story, so yeahh I cried a bit at the fact that I’ll never be good enough for him I’m just some lil toy to him which such…and I’m one of many but I do love him as a friend so I just wanna be friends I guess. So anyway during my lil cry moment my mum came into my room and was like “aren’t you going out” and I snapped at her and was like “no I don’t feel like it” and the she said something about being miserable which annoyed me and so I decided to go out after all. I had planned to drown my sorrows but it didn’t go plan I was very sober the whole night, despite the fact that I drank Wray and Nephies 63% proof rum mini bottle, couple shots of Tequila, and some brandy and yet I didn;t fold… 😦 but I’, glad though and me and Ray chatted a lil though I think he might have been high cos the replies were just so long…still waiting on one now and I’m feeling a lot better about the whole communication thing like I’m accepting it I guess cos that’s all I can do…and one day he’s gonna open his eyes and see how much I cared but it will be too late cos I would have moved on, though that won’t be any time soon cos my feelings are fully involved right now. 

Some other news my friend Jason saw my ex with his current girlfriend (who is very attractive apparently) and apparently he had braces now!!! FINALLY! Ah you don’t understand how happy now like when we were going out his teeth were all over the place it was shocking but now they are on the steady road to recovery woooop! 

Well it’s not 04:24 and I’m off to bed, so goodnight/good morning world!!!!

And some followers would be nice haha! I would follow back of course!!!

I’m So Slow On The Uptake…I Think

So basically I think I’m the slowest person in the world! I swear like something is wrong with me! Like today couple of people came over to my house and we baked cupcakes, and they tasted pretty decent…and today some boy tried chat to me on Whatsapp and I was like “fuck sake” but anyways I checked Ray’s Whatsapp and I was on his pic and like I was gonna be like “oooo it’s meee’ but I felt proper weird so I didn’t and now it’s changed to some picture of some girl with a really nice bum in frilly underwear doing up the buttons of some guy. *sigh* she’s light skin and proper skinny with some nice body and bum…ahh I wish I had a nice body and I nice bum… 😦 and now I feel as though I don’t have any reason to talk to him…a part of me thinks that there may be feelings for me on his part but who am I kidding…ha ha ha! ahh I don’t know why I do this to myself…anyways I’m gonna go do some butt workout and then wash the dishes yaaaay!

I’ll keep you up to date with my bum toning…I want a better bum!!!!

Better Mood

So today I’ve been in a much better mood, I kinda had time to think about it all the things that were plaguing me. Like how Ray actually made an effort to speak to me cos like one time he told me how he was talking to some girl and he forget to reply and just didn’t reply but he made the effort to reply to me even if it was two days later. So I guess I really owe him an apology and I’ll give it to him when he replies to my last message…if he ever replies know him he’s out doing god knows what.

I also sorted things out with Jason kinda…so things are good in the male department.

But I’m trying to lose weight and it is not going well…it’s so gross I have bulge in areas that people shouldn’t have it’s sickening…the weigh it basically my belly, I hate it so much!!! I want to be like 10stone but I’m like 11stone apparently according to my last weight check…I weighed like 12 stone! WTF 12STONE!! That’s OVERWEIGHT!!!!!!!! WHY ME?!?! Ahh well haven’t got much to say so cya I guess.

Why Are Boys Such Morons?!

So, more boy problems, all the boys in my life just piss me the fuck off!!!! Like what the heck!!  I know that sometimes I do shit to piss them off but I’m a female they should know it is totally not 100% my fault and they are to blame for my mood…like take today for instance, Ray randomly decided to reply to one of my messages on Whatsapp like TWO DAY after I sent it and cos like now I’m trying this icy cold approach I was like totally harsh with him and like told him where he could go, which he just like brushed off, and so now I feel really bad cos like he never retaliates like ever and it’s so annoying cos sometimes you just wanna be angry at some but you can’t cos they won’t bloody let you and in a way it makes you love them just that bit more cos they know how to handle you. (ahhh i love this guy whyyyy WHYYYYYYYY?)  anyways so I don’t know if I should apologise or not cos like he’s stubborn and I’m stubborn so we’ll both go forever without talking which would suck cos when we do talk he makes me laugh so much…though I’ve released we seem to flow better when we’re on the phone…talking via a screen is so not us at all…at all. I might wait a few days though I don’t want it to seem like I was planning it, though I kinda am in a weird way…ahh my head hurts this guy gives me so much grief! why do I fall for idiots?! No I fall for guys who I have no chance with (not including my ex’s, though they were all idiots so my first comment still stands)

The second guy that is pissing me off is some guy called Raymond…(there is a theme here yah know) he wants me to come see him but I don’t really wanna cos like I’m not that kinda girl plus I got lots of work to do and so I dont really wanna be shimming on down to where ever he lives and yah know most boys only want one thing. So I told him I’d see him in June which gives me enough time to start an imaginary relationship…mwahahaha. 

Third boy is a very close friend of mine called Jason…yeah Jason…and he’s always annoying and lately I feel as though we’ve been drifting…basically he told me that he liked me but like I have no feelings for him cos we all know I’m hung up on Ray. So after like a couple of months I told him I liked Ray cos he was bugging me asking me all these questions and stuff…so anyways now I feel like cos he knows the truth and like cos of how he feels he hates me in a weird way and is pushing me away…hmmm maybe that’s me, but there is more…he doesn’t make the effort to talk to me as much…like recently i’ve been snappy but he’d just push on…now he just reads the messages and leaves it at that…or he’ll reply like hour after he read it…who does that…wtf…ah boys are a mystery to me!!!

And ahhh thanks to the people that liked my post…made be really happy when I came on today…hehe…